Just Saying

You know how on commercials they tell you, 53% of people chose this product? Well, I need more information! How do I know that the other 47% of people haven't found a bargain that the 53% are too uppity to try? I mean, I don't know the 53%, they might be assholes. Just saying.

I live at the entrance of a state park. In said park, there are over 100 bike trails, made for...you guessed it, riding bikes. Yet everytime I leave my house, at least one of those motherfuckers is riding on the road, in my way, holding up progress. Now somebody, explain this shit to me. *holds out hand* Bike trails, in a beautiful state park---*holds up other hand* riding on the road, away from the park, in my fucking way? What tips the scale? PS if you come to WV and ride your bike on my road, I'm the lady on the porch throwing Little Debbie Cakes, screaming, "just eat the fucking twinkie". Yep, itsjustme. Just saying. (Unless, it's you Rob. In which case, *looks around* do I have a bike?)

Did you know that snakes can come right the fuck up in your house with you even asking or knowing? They can! *nods head* I've seen them do it. So the other day, I'm sitting at my desk, working for Rob (too bad nothing I do benefits either one of us), when I hear a noise next to me. I figure its a mouse, (you get that when you live in the woods). Now about 3 years ago, I hired a black cat named Karma, who in exchange for room and board, serves as judge, jury, and executioner in cases like this. However, on this particular day, I look over beside my chair and there is a five foot black snake in the floor next to me...right next to me...right the fuck next to me! I'll have you know, I did not scream. I did, however, do some kind of pole vaulting move out of my chair and was out the door, 20 feet away without ever having touched the floor. Less than .4 seconds later I'm on my neighbors steps repeating, " there's a snake...in my fucking house" over and over. My neighbor, a nearly 70 year old man, walks calmly out of his house, telling me to show him. At this point I'm wondering if we are just going to stand and look at, because dude doesn't bring a pitchfork or a pistol or whatever the hell is going to get this snake out of my house. I start wondering if I'm going to have to torch the place and start over, but I can't...Rob's in there!!! Holy Shit! ROB! I'm standing in the doorway, completely screwed. Eyes darting back and forth between my car and the Rob posters on the wall. Do you know that dude walks right up in here and picked that snake up with his bare hands! You read that right, I said, bare hands. He carries it across the road and throws it in the creek (pronounced crik), shaking his head at me like I'm an idiot and saying the snake was harmless. *Stephanie Tanner foot stomp* How rude! Am I suppose to give a fuck about this detail, because I don't. *searches soul* Nope, don't give a shit that the snake was harmless, but fuck you very much. Just saying.

I'm not a difficult person to get along with, just don't get in my way, don't try and make me feel stupid, and don't put yourself in my business if you were not invited. I don't think that is too much to ask. Isn't this how civil human beings should treat each other? Don't we all have the right to leave our houses without being constantly slowed down by people in our way? Is it right that even though people may help us in some regards to our lives that they also treat us with respect? Are you sensing where I'm going with this?

If paparazzi are in such demand, that means that the majority of people are buying from them. Fair to say...53%?

In the end, karma will decide; man or mouse and even the slimiest snakes will dealt with bare-handed.

Just saying.

A big thank you to RPfangirlDC of Why I Love Rob Pattinson for proofreading this post and for sending pics.