A Redneck Christmas

For this weeks Christmas post I thought I would share some of my very own easy, cheap recipes and some of my stories from Christmas's past.

A few years ago, my cousin who was newly married, but not newly asstarded, called to ask me how I made my deviled eggs for Christmas. She said she had tried and they just didn't look the same. I ask her what she had done and she told me she had boiled the eggs and peeled them and threw away all the white. Wait! What? All the white? Yep, all the white. Well, fuck! So for my cousin and you guys, my Christmas deviled eggs.

On my first Christmas on my own, I really wanted to make a good impression on my family and spent hours in the kitchen baking a homemade cheesecake. I slipped it onto a pretty glass cake stand that I had just purchased and covered it. I cleaned up the kitchen and got ready, then went to get the cheesecake and leave. I stubbed my toe on the leg of the table and fell face first in the floor with cheesecake all over me and the walls and ceiling, a brand new shattered cake stand and a broken toe. I knew I couldn't get out of going to the relatives. After all these are the same people that found it perfectly acceptable to treat gaping wounds when I was a kid by giving me a shot of Jack and stitching it up themselves. If they found out I had a broken toe, they would probably find it humane to shoot me and put me out of their misery. I drug my clumsy ass out of the floor and cleaned up ...again. I then assessed the contents of the fridge and pantry. The following recipe was created that day and has been a staple at my house ever since with many variations.

Sadly, family cannot be discouraged from showing up unannounced. It is important to keep these people happy especially if you are from WV, where the answer to all disputes is honey, bring me my gun. True facts. We don't even have town drunks, everyone just takes turns. In fact, as I type this my neighbors are hosting the drunken barn dance. It's Tuesday BTW. Now I am aware that the sooner I feed these people, the sooner they will leave because they are terrified of being asked to help clean up. Nothing is quicker and goes farther than spaghetti. I don't bother making my own sauce because my family loves my spaghetti for the meatballs.

There is something you may not know about Christmas time in WV. It is fucking cold! Some nights you just want to curl up next to the fireplace and have something comforting like a shot of vodka, some fingerporn, and some hot soup.

One year I had this piece of shit tree that kept falling over everytime someone slammed the front door. After 2 days, 13 broken bulbs, and 4 shots of vodka I lost my mind for a minute and threw the tree, decorations and all out the front door. Then I had 2 more shots and invented this recipe which I ate in front of the window looking at my still lit tree on the front yard.