Merry Christmas everybody!

Yes, it's that time of year when, once again, the Festive Season is upon us!

"Oh for God's sake!" I hear you cry. "It's February, you looney!"

Well, yes. I know. My regular reader will remember that last year I was accused of having a similar senior moment in June when I saw my first Christmas advertisement on ITV2 on the 2nd of the month!

This year I can beat that. One of my readers in East Anglia emailed me a copy of the programme for Blackthorpe Barns in Suffolk, part of the Rougham Estate who provide the Christmas trees for number 10. The back two pages contain the following items :

"The Christmas shop...offers one of the widest ranges of best qualirty decorations ... Open daily from 5th November to 22nd December."

"Christmas Trees and natural decorations... daily from 26th November - 22nd December"

"Meet the reindeer on Sunday 4 and 11 December""

"New for 2011 - Santa's Grotto!"

So there you have it. Christmas advertising now officially starts on 14th February in East Anglia. I know they have a reputation for being a bit slow up there, but even so...

Happy Christmas to you all.

Merry Christmas everybody!

Yes, it's that time of year when, once again, the Festive Season is upon us!

"Oh for God's sake!" I hear you cry. "It's February, you looney!"

Well, yes. I know. My regular reader will remember that last year I was accused of having a similar senior moment in June when I saw my first Christmas advertisement on ITV2 on the 2nd of the month!

This year I can beat that. One of my readers in East Anglia emailed me a copy of the programme for Blackthorpe Barns in Suffolk, part of the Rougham Estate who provide the Christmas trees for number 10. The back two pages contain the following items :

"The Christmas shop...offers one of the widest ranges of best qualirty decorations ... Open daily from 5th November to 22nd December."

"Christmas Trees and natural decorations... daily from 26th November - 22nd December"

"Meet the reindeer on Sunday 4 and 11 December""

"New for 2011 - Santa's Grotto!"

So there you have it. Christmas advertising now officially starts on 14th February in East Anglia. I know they have a reputation for being a bit slow up there, but even so...

Happy Christmas to you all.

Christmas is over...

Alright, I admit it. Guilty. I hate Christmas. So call me a miserable old bastard...

I'm just glad it's all over for another year.

I'm sick of having to buy my wife a birthday card in July ready for her birthday in December...

I'm sick of trying to find a restaurant that isn't serving up roast fucking turkey and Christmas pudding...

I'm sick of the sycophantic crap I get from people being nice to me because it's Christmas but neglecting to invite us to the party they had back in the summer...

I'm sick of bloody Christmas muzac in all the shops...

I'm sick of having to buy slippers in December because it's the only bloody time of year you can get them...

I'm sick of having to spend money on things people don't want to give to people I don't even like...

I'm sick of bloody adverts on my telly for cheap nasty tat and donations to charities I've never even heard of...

I'm sick of fucking chuggers knocking on my door demanding money and being told I'm a tight fisted old bastard when I refuse to give them any...

I'm sick of people parking outside my house while they go off into town to get pissed and then throwing up Christmas spirit all over my door step at three in the morning...

I'm sick to the back teeth with having to pay through the nose for a tree to bring into the house to drop needles all over my fucking carpet and then just throwing it out afterwards...

I'm sick of getting stupid bloody bits of card in the post from people I don't remember, or never see, or I've bought stuff from, or companies trying to part me from my money...

I'm sick of my e-mail inbox clogging up every day with at least one mailing from Virgin Wines, Waitrose, Debenhams, Tesco, TruPrint, Holiday Extras, Denby and at least a dozen others...

But most of all, I'm sick of all the sanctimonious religious claptrap that goes with it from people who ouze platitudes and are the most insincere, two faced bastards...

John Lennon once wrote "Happy Christmas - war is over (if you want it)" - well sorry, John, but that's bollocks. War just starts again on Boxing Day, and the rest of the shit starts again in September!

It's just all so fucking false. And if this just means I am a miserable, cynical old bastard, then I plead guilty...

Christmas is over...

Alright, I admit it. Guilty. I hate Christmas. So call me a miserable old bastard...

I'm just glad it's all over for another year.

I'm sick of having to buy my wife a birthday card in July ready for her birthday in December...

I'm sick of trying to find a restaurant that isn't serving up roast fucking turkey and Christmas pudding...

I'm sick of the sycophantic crap I get from people being nice to me because it's Christmas but neglecting to invite us to the party they had back in the summer...

I'm sick of bloody Christmas muzac in all the shops...

I'm sick of having to buy slippers in December because it's the only bloody time of year you can get them...

I'm sick of having to spend money on things people don't want to give to people I don't even like...

I'm sick of bloody adverts on my telly for cheap nasty tat and donations to charities I've never even heard of...

I'm sick of fucking chuggers knocking on my door demanding money and being told I'm a tight fisted old bastard when I refuse to give them any...

I'm sick of people parking outside my house while they go off into town to get pissed and then throwing up Christmas spirit all over my door step at three in the morning...

I'm sick to the back teeth with having to pay through the nose for a tree to bring into the house to drop needles all over my fucking carpet and then just throwing it out afterwards...

I'm sick of getting stupid bloody bits of card in the post from people I don't remember, or never see, or I've bought stuff from, or companies trying to part me from my money...

I'm sick of my e-mail inbox clogging up every day with at least one mailing from Virgin Wines, Waitrose, Debenhams, Tesco, TruPrint, Holiday Extras, Denby and at least a dozen others...

But most of all, I'm sick of all the sanctimonious religious claptrap that goes with it from people who ouze platitudes and are the most insincere, two faced bastards...

John Lennon once wrote "Happy Christmas - war is over (if you want it)" - well sorry, John, but that's bollocks. War just starts again on Boxing Day, and the rest of the shit starts again in September!

It's just all so fucking false. And if this just means I am a miserable, cynical old bastard, then I plead guilty...

The day after Christmas...

I think John Lennon could have put this better, so I've improved it for him as a Boxing Day treat for you all...



I was going to run a video of him singing "Cold Turkey" but that seemed too cliche'd even for me!

On the other hand....



...does sound like a Boxing Day song to me!

The day after Christmas...

I think John Lennon could have put this better, so I've improved it for him as a Boxing Day treat for you all...



I was going to run a video of him singing "Cold Turkey" but that seemed too cliche'd even for me!

On the other hand....



...does sound like a Boxing Day song to me!

Happy Christmas - with a song...

It's Christmas day, so frankly if you are reading this, then you too are a truly sad bastard!

Here's my musical Christmas greeting to you all...

Happy Christmas - with a song...

It's Christmas day, so frankly if you are reading this, then you too are a truly sad bastard!

Here's my musical Christmas greeting to you all...

A Christmas card

Wishing all my readers the very best for Christmas

A Christmas card

Wishing all my readers the very best for Christmas

What Christmas really means...

The lesson today is taken from the New Testament, 2010 p.c. edition...

1. And it came to pass that Mary, wife of Joseph, a lower-income benefit claimant from a disadvantaged family, was with child. And Joseph was sorely displeased and giveth unto his wife a backhander
2. And he sayeth unto her "How art thou with child, bitch, when thou hast not parted thy legs for me since we was espoused, init?"
3. And Mary did quiver, and replieth "An angel came unto me in a vision and sayeth that I was to be impregnated with God's child and that he would come forth in the world to end all our sins and his birth would be foretold by a great star and gifts from three kings"
4. And Joseph did take another swig from his Stella and giveth unto her another backhander, saying "That's the biggest bullshit I hast ever heard! This is the only fucking Stella event you are likely to see, you lying bitch"
5. But Mary wast not afraid, having the strength of the Lawed upon her. And she sayeth unto Joseph "I will take myself unto social services and wilst have thou arrested, thou heinous pig"
6. And so it came to pass that Mary was rehoused in temporary accomodation in the East End and Joseph was servethed a restraining order.
7. And so it was that on December 24th, Mary didst recieve a threatening letter from the landlord saying "I have re-rented thy flat so begone from here tonight, whore, or I shall breaketh thine legs"
8. And so Mary went forth into the night. And it came to pass that she stumbleth upon a homeless person and he taketh pity upon her, saying "Come unto mine squat in a nearby old stables where thou mighst findeth comfort in thine hour of need"
9. And at this moment, a great star burst didst appear over her head. "Taketh no notice," sayeth her benefactor. "'Tis only the bloody locals celebrating diwali" 
10. And Mary went with him and as she entereth the stable her waters didst break and she goeth into labour.
11. And in the early hours Mary didst give birth unto a boy child, amongst great cries of pain and loss of much blood. And the child was laid in a manger for a bed
12. And three men didst appear in the doorway, fresh home from a party, and each weareth a paper crown on his head. And Mary did behold them and sayeth "I see three kings!"
13. And the first sayeth "Shit, girl, you been through it, ain'tcha? Have a swig of this.." and didst give unto her his bottle of Castlemaine Gold.
14. And the second sayeth unto her "I have nothing to give you but a few foreign coins" and handed her a Franc and some Cents
15. And the third sayeth unto her "Ah eh! I've nought for you, gerly, for I am only a poor scouser and am in a right state. Look. Even me hurr falleth out"
16. And so it came to pass that the prophecy was fulfilled. A child with no father was born in a manger, under a star burst, and 3 kings from the East End had brought gifts of Gold, Francs and Cents, and Hurr.
17. And the donkey in the corner brayeth "Eee Ore! It's a fuckin' miracle..."

Here endeth the lesson.

We shall now sing hymn 123 "We three kings from Orient are; One on a scooter, two in a car." All rise...

What Christmas really means...

The lesson today is taken from the New Testament, 2010 p.c. edition...

1. And it came to pass that Mary, wife of Joseph, a lower-income benefit claimant from a disadvantaged family, was with child. And Joseph was sorely displeased and giveth unto his wife a backhander
2. And he sayeth unto her "How art thou with child, bitch, when thou hast not parted thy legs for me since we was espoused, init?"
3. And Mary did quiver, and replieth "An angel came unto me in a vision and sayeth that I was to be impregnated with God's child and that he would come forth in the world to end all our sins and his birth would be foretold by a great star and gifts from three kings"
4. And Joseph did take another swig from his Stella and giveth unto her another backhander, saying "That's the biggest bullshit I hast ever heard! This is the only fucking Stella event you are likely to see, you lying bitch"
5. But Mary wast not afraid, having the strength of the Lawed upon her. And she sayeth unto Joseph "I will take myself unto social services and wilst have thou arrested, thou heinous pig"
6. And so it came to pass that Mary was rehoused in temporary accomodation in the East End and Joseph was servethed a restraining order.
7. And so it was that on December 24th, Mary didst recieve a threatening letter from the landlord saying "I have re-rented thy flat so begone from here tonight, whore, or I shall breaketh thine legs"
8. And so Mary went forth into the night. And it came to pass that she stumbleth upon a homeless person and he taketh pity upon her, saying "Come unto mine squat in a nearby old stables where thou mighst findeth comfort in thine hour of need"
9. And at this moment, a great star burst didst appear over her head. "Taketh no notice," sayeth her benefactor. "'Tis only the bloody locals celebrating diwali" 
10. And Mary went with him and as she entereth the stable her waters didst break and she goeth into labour.
11. And in the early hours Mary didst give birth unto a boy child, amongst great cries of pain and loss of much blood. And the child was laid in a manger for a bed
12. And three men didst appear in the doorway, fresh home from a party, and each weareth a paper crown on his head. And Mary did behold them and sayeth "I see three kings!"
13. And the first sayeth "Shit, girl, you been through it, ain'tcha? Have a swig of this.." and didst give unto her his bottle of Castlemaine Gold.
14. And the second sayeth unto her "I have nothing to give you but a few foreign coins" and handed her a Franc and some Cents
15. And the third sayeth unto her "Ah eh! I've nought for you, gerly, for I am only a poor scouser and am in a right state. Look. Even me hurr falleth out"
16. And so it came to pass that the prophecy was fulfilled. A child with no father was born in a manger, under a star burst, and 3 kings from the East End had brought gifts of Gold, Francs and Cents, and Hurr.
17. And the donkey in the corner brayeth "Eee Ore! It's a fuckin' miracle..."

Here endeth the lesson.

We shall now sing hymn 123 "We three kings from Orient are; One on a scooter, two in a car." All rise...

Just the gift for Christmas...

Following the success of our range of Papal Visit souvenirs, here's our selection of must have presents for this Christmas :

MICROWAVABLE SLIPPERS

Do you suffer from cold feet and wish there was a simple way to keep them warm? Well now you can with our super slippers!

Just pop them in the microwave for a couple of minutes and they'll keep your tootsies warm for hours.

Only £14.99 with free delivery

GOLD LACED FIZZ

Worried about the credit crunch? Well stuff it! We all need a bit of bling to cheer us up so here's our quality sparkling wine laced with real flakes of edible gold.

Decadent or what?

Get stuck in for £29.99

STEALTH LAPTOP CASE

Don't be a sap and get caught lugging that valuable laptop around in it's expensive executive case - slip into something stealthier. This case is indistinguishable from a real envelope and only costs £16.99

Also available in manilla from your Post Office for 99p

2011 CALENDARS

Don't settle for just any ordinary boring calendar for the coming year - go for something different with one of the following :

* The Best of British Roundabouts
* Birmingham's Outer Circle Bus Route
* Her Majesty's Prisons

A great talking point for only £9.99 each

PLOP TRUMPS

Have you ever wondered if zebra poop is harder than pig plop? Or if doggy doo smells worse than kestrel crud? Of course you have. And that’s why you need Plop Trumps.

This game of one upmanship is complete shite and it's only £5.99



* * * Want to take a guess at how many of these you think are real? * * *

Just the gift for Christmas...

Following the success of our range of Papal Visit souvenirs, here's our selection of must have presents for this Christmas :

MICROWAVABLE SLIPPERS

Do you suffer from cold feet and wish there was a simple way to keep them warm? Well now you can with our super slippers!

Just pop them in the microwave for a couple of minutes and they'll keep your tootsies warm for hours.

Only £14.99 with free delivery

GOLD LACED FIZZ

Worried about the credit crunch? Well stuff it! We all need a bit of bling to cheer us up so here's our quality sparkling wine laced with real flakes of edible gold.

Decadent or what?

Get stuck in for £29.99

STEALTH LAPTOP CASE

Don't be a sap and get caught lugging that valuable laptop around in it's expensive executive case - slip into something stealthier. This case is indistinguishable from a real envelope and only costs £16.99

Also available in manilla from your Post Office for 99p

2011 CALENDARS

Don't settle for just any ordinary boring calendar for the coming year - go for something different with one of the following :

* The Best of British Roundabouts
* Birmingham's Outer Circle Bus Route
* Her Majesty's Prisons

A great talking point for only £9.99 each

PLOP TRUMPS

Have you ever wondered if zebra poop is harder than pig plop? Or if doggy doo smells worse than kestrel crud? Of course you have. And that’s why you need Plop Trumps.

This game of one upmanship is complete shite and it's only £5.99



* * * Want to take a guess at how many of these you think are real? * * *

Wheel out the starving kiddies

"Do they know it's Christmas time at all...?"

Too fucking right they do! It's that time of year when the chuggers come out in force - bombarding your TV and newspapers with adverts, banging on your door and thrusting direct debits under your nose, driving round in a flatbed lorry with a plastic Santa on the back and a ghetto blaster, demanding that you put money in their buckets...

And have you noticed that the film crews and photographers always seem to wheel out the poor starving kiddies suffering in poverty in the third world? It's simple really. Children will tug at the heart strings and soak up money like nothing else.

So let's take a look at some of this relentless barrage :

Wateraid, Oxfam, UNICEF, Cancer Research, Care (who?), Dogs for the Disabled - to name but a few - all want your £2 monthly direct debits. Or £19 for the Salvation Army. Or a once off £15 for the NSPCC. Or why not adopt a jaguar? That's £3 a month, so they're clearly worth more than kids!

And the newspapers are never slow to jump in either. The Guardian, Telegraph, The Times - all upper class you notice, because their readers can afford it more than others, can't they? Well, fuck that because I can't afford a newspaper anyway...

And then there are the charity Christmas cards - which incidentally vary terrifically in how much they actually donate to the named charities concerned.

Here's a message for you all : Thanks to the Credit Crunch my income dipped this year by around £300 a week mainly due to dear Gordon raiding my pension fund and lowering interest rates on my savings to two thirds of fuck all. I've got no spare money, so don't bother to fucking ask. And you can bring a starving kid with you if you like so I can tell you both to fuck off!

And can you please send 'Age UK' around so I can ask them how much they are going to give me...

Wheel out the starving kiddies

"Do they know it's Christmas time at all...?"

Too fucking right they do! It's that time of year when the chuggers come out in force - bombarding your TV and newspapers with adverts, banging on your door and thrusting direct debits under your nose, driving round in a flatbed lorry with a plastic Santa on the back and a ghetto blaster, demanding that you put money in their buckets...

And have you noticed that the film crews and photographers always seem to wheel out the poor starving kiddies suffering in poverty in the third world? It's simple really. Children will tug at the heart strings and soak up money like nothing else.

So let's take a look at some of this relentless barrage :

Wateraid, Oxfam, UNICEF, Cancer Research, Care (who?), Dogs for the Disabled - to name but a few - all want your £2 monthly direct debits. Or £19 for the Salvation Army. Or a once off £15 for the NSPCC. Or why not adopt a jaguar? That's £3 a month, so they're clearly worth more than kids!

And the newspapers are never slow to jump in either. The Guardian, Telegraph, The Times - all upper class you notice, because their readers can afford it more than others, can't they? Well, fuck that because I can't afford a newspaper anyway...

And then there are the charity Christmas cards - which incidentally vary terrifically in how much they actually donate to the named charities concerned.

Here's a message for you all : Thanks to the Credit Crunch my income dipped this year by around £300 a week mainly due to dear Gordon raiding my pension fund and lowering interest rates on my savings to two thirds of fuck all. I've got no spare money, so don't bother to fucking ask. And you can bring a starving kid with you if you like so I can tell you both to fuck off!

And can you please send 'Age UK' around so I can ask them how much they are going to give me...

Sir Cliff's 2010 Christmas Song

I used to be in the music business, so I've used my influence to get Sir Cliff to re-record one of his old Christmas songs in the sure hope of landing that elusive number one he's been chasing for so long...

Sir Cliff's 2010 Christmas Song

I used to be in the music business, so I've used my influence to get Sir Cliff to re-record one of his old Christmas songs in the sure hope of landing that elusive number one he's been chasing for so long...

Merry Christmas everybody!!

IT'S CHRISTMAS!

Do WHAT!?!

Has all this blogging finally sent me over the edge?

Well, no actually. We all know that Christmas comes but once a year, Apparently what we didn't know is that the annual retail bunfest and general religious travesty has already started.

"Rubbish", I hear you say.

But yes - I saw my first Christmas advertisement on the TV yesterday on ITV2 during a break in the Jeremy Kyle show.

So while it's true that Christmas only comes but once a year, it would appear that it now starts on the 2nd June and lasts seven months...

Whoever said God doesn't have a sense of humour?

Merry Christmas everybody!!

IT'S CHRISTMAS!

Do WHAT!?!

Has all this blogging finally sent me over the edge?

Well, no actually. We all know that Christmas comes but once a year, Apparently what we didn't know is that the annual retail bunfest and general religious travesty has already started.

"Rubbish", I hear you say.

But yes - I saw my first Christmas advertisement on the TV yesterday on ITV2 during a break in the Jeremy Kyle show.

So while it's true that Christmas only comes but once a year, it would appear that it now starts on the 2nd June and lasts seven months...

Whoever said God doesn't have a sense of humour?