It has been a crappy week to beat all crappy weeks. I have had one family emergency after another. You know how when it rains it pours? Well, it's been like a fucking monsoon at my house. I have missed being here with you guys. I've missed my little blog, but most of all I have missed Rob.
Since, I'm still feeling quite bitchy after the fuckery of this week, time for this months shit list:
Fucking telemarketers only call when you're busy. They never call when you're bored as hell and just sitting around. Hell, I might chat it up a little if they did. But no, they only call when I'm in the shower, or eating, or when I'm panting and sweating; thigh deep in Robporn. What really pisses me off is that it's not even usually a person, it's a computer. Well, Mr. Computer if you're so smart that you can call me you should be smart enough to know that I'm not listening unless it's Rob related. Holy shit! That's it! Quick somebody get me a patent. I'll start one of those 900 phone sex things and just play the holy voice of seduction. Hmmm...I wouldn't feel right making money off of Rob's name. *lightbulb* Instead of you guys paying, you'll just get added to this list and the computer will randomly call you. Imagine it...the phone rings and you pick up. There is no answer at first and you then hear the computer click on, but instead of being pissed off, your heart rate increases and you start foaming at the mouth. Then His voice starts, "Never trust a guy who plucks his eyebrows". This still doesn't change the fact that I hate the damn telephone but it might keep me from cussing out a computer. There is an ingredient in Rob's voice that makes you think, "fuck it". I'm still amazed at how it has changed my life. RL gets you all depressed and upset and one hit of Rob will change your whole demeanor. You'll be pacing the house worrying and all upset about how this and that should be done, turn on an interview, soundbytes, or his music and within 10 minutes you'll have a brand new attitude. You'll be like, fuck this and fuck that, I'm not fooling with either one of them the rest of the night. I dare you listen to Rob say, "come on, no one knows" and not smile and give in to him.
Television commercials piss me off more than anything else in the wide world. It's a level of stupidity that I can't abide. I make no claims to be the smartest person in the world but you can bet your sweet ass if I had millions of dollars and infinite resources at my disposal that I could do something better than a talking gekko. And if someone had come in my office with this idea, I'd have looked in the eye and asked, "You rode the short bus here didn't you?"
Televangelists *facepalm* Much like the paparazzi, I can't understand why we allow this to go on. Do you know they have an entire TV station devoted to this hippocracy? One of two things is going on here: 1. they know exactly what they are doing (fraud, blasphemy, embezzlement, etc.) and should be prosecuted for it. 2. they really believe that God and money go hand in hand. Here's the thing about that scenario, a murderer doesn't get to say, "I apologize, I had no idea I was not allowed to stab that prostitute 47 times." Stupidity is not a good defense. However, I see no problem prosecuting stupidity. I watched this shit for like 20 minutes and there was this bastard that was so old that when he sang, "and he walks with me and he talks with me..." those were the only words that came out of his mouth the whole time that I believed.
Basically, it seems that I hate all things that begin with the prefix tele-
I am fucking sick of hearing about Jon and Kate Gosselin. I'm sick of the pitiful excuses. Let's just be honest. Kate is a bitch and Jon is a moron of the highest caliber. Everybody stuck around and watched the train wreck. Nobody wants to see the clean-up. Crawl back under whatever rock you came from before massive fertility made you the media whores that you have become. Good day!
Catherine Hardwick. 'Nuff said.
There are editing buttons I just found where I can do things like this that I didn't even know were here. How long have I been doing this? Nevermind. Moving on.
Last week when I got all pissed off about twitter and the Pain in the Ass videos, I chilled out by (drinking vodka and eating poptarts) watching this show on Discovery. Ya'll, there was these (naked) men, I can't remember from where (I was drinking vodka and eating poptarts) but they built this tower type thing out of trees. It looked like a fucking cross between a Jenga and a Kerplunk game and reached up past the clouds. These (crazy bastards) people climb up and attach vines to their ankles and then jump off...they jump off...they jump the fuck OFF! They believe the closer their heads come to touching the ground the better that years crop will be. Well yeah, that makes perfect sense. Hell's fire (say it like far) these little naked brown people scared the bejeebus out of me. I know live and let live, to each their own, stupid is as stupid does, crazy people do crazy shit, I know. But, what the fuck? Somebody please help these poor fuckers. If you plant it, you will eat. Please little naked man don't jump. It's not worth it. If you'll come down from there I'll tell you wonderful stories about a magic land called Wal-Mart.
Nobody pisses me off like family. They never want anything unless you're otherwise occupied, just like the telemarketers. They preach shit they don't know anything about like the televangelists. In some cases they are even more stupid than commercials. Nearly always an embarassing train wreck like the Gosselin's. Damn they do stupid shit that makes no makes no fucking sense like the little naked brown people. Hell, my family makes the Osbourne's look like Ward and June Cleaver. And people say I'm crazy. Of course, I'm fucking crazy! I have to be crazy to stay sane around these people. There's a different part of my body that aches every time one of them comes around. My head, my chest, my ass. Bring on the ink blots and the Zanax cause my family spent the week. Huh, anyone else see Rob in the inkblots?
Still here? Good for you. Here's your Robporn.
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