After reading this post, none of you are ever going to want me around your kids. It's okay though, I have an entire family full of people who don't really want me around their kids either. Why you ask. Okay but just remember, you asked.
My nephew, The boy (that's seriously what I call him), he's 8 and we get each other in a lot of trouble.
Like at church for the Christmas play, a woman sitting next to us had a cellphone with an Edward skin. The boy points at the phone and proceeds to tell the woman how his Auntie is in love with Rob and is going to have his beautiful little bastards. Now, let me explain something about my sister. She doesn't like it when the boy says bastard in church, or anywhere for that matter. My ass still hurts from the reaming I took for that one.
The boy is surrounded by women all the time. So I found it hilarious and not a bit surprising when I overheard him telling the bossy neighbor boy, "You can't tell me what to do. You're not a girl." The boy is a fucking genius apparently.
At least I thought so until Christmas Eve when he comes out of my bedroom with my vibrator. *gasp* It's clear and had no batteries in it, so when he held it up for God and everyone to see asking what it was, I told him it was a quarter bank. Thank fuck my family are not the kind to embarrass and bad mouth a person...to their face. No they are proper rednecks and wait till you're not around. 10 minutes after they left my house everyone within calling distance knew I had a...quarter bank.
When we watched New Moon, at the clock tower scene. The boy starts bouncing in his seat, pointing and yelling, "Auntie, it's shirtless Wednesday." Is this kid the only person in the world that listens to me? FYI my sis wasn't real appreciative of this either. I tried to explain that I come with R rating, both for my non existent brain filter and for Rob. She didn't buy it. Are any of you?
He was staying overnight and come in my room at 4 am asking me, "Auntie, can I have a drink of water?" Sure, why not? I wasn't doing anything but sleeping. "Auntie, I need ice in my water, my throat is hot." "Auntie, will you go to the bathroom with me? The lights off in there are off and I'm scared." I finally get back in the bed and here he comes. "Auntie, can I sleep with you?" "You're not going to go back to sleep unless I let you are ya?" I ask him. "Probably not Auntie." "Auntie, can I sleep with the Rob pillow?" Hell no! "*giggles* I knew you were gonna say that." Now the boys a comedian.
The boy plays basketball or some kind of shit like that. You know what he loves more than playing ball? Calling me every little bit to tell me exactly what is going on. How many minutes does sis put on this kids cellphone? Last week, I tell him as he getting ready to leave, "don't call me, Auntie's cleaning and you can tell me all about it when you get back." He says he understands but the kids not gone 20 minutes and the phones ringing.
me: "Hello"
the boy: "Auntie?"
me: " Who's this?"
the boy: "Noah"
me: "The boys not here." Click
Turns out. The game got cancelled and he needed a ride. Oops!
A few days later I'm at Kroger and the keys get locked in the car. Oh noez! I don't know phone numbers, that shit is programmed in to the home cordless. Besides I can't be expected to remember numbers when there's Rob to think about. So I call home to have the boy go over and tell his Ma maw (not really his Ma maw but he insists she's a "Ma maw type person". Whatever that means.)
The boy: "Hello"
Me: "Boy, locked my keys in the car, go over..."
Boy: "Who is this?"
I'm no fool, I see where this is headed. I say, "Auntie" and he says, "Aunie's not home" and hangs up.
So...I say, "Boy, you know damn good and well who this is!"
Boy: "And you knew damn good and well who I was when you hung up on me." Click.
The boy is too smart for his own good.
I'm getting him ready for school one morning and he is asking me a million questions and bouncing all over the damn place all...happy. I have had one cigarette and no coffee, I'm not fit to speak to. He comes to me with a plate. "Auntie, will you cut the crust off my toast?"
"Hell no, you're outta here. You're the states problem now." He looks me dead in the eye and says,
"Someday you'll be old and I'm going to tell you the same thing."
"Give me that bread, you little punk."
See?
It's not all my fault. The boy provokes me.
Don't tell anybody I said this but I think the boy is...just like me.
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