Wake up call from Pope

When Jesus asked his disciples to stay awake while he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane, he was asking every believer throughout history to remain awake to the reality of God and to the reality of sin, Pope Benedict XVI has said.

The Pope said that Jesus’s request was “a permanent message for all times because the drowsiness of his disciples was not just a problem in that moment; it is a problem throughout history”.

The Pope said, the lack of awareness about evil is the flip side of an equal lack of awareness about the presence and love of God. “This is our real drowsiness,” he said. “We don’t feel God’s presence."

Sorry, but I just don't get this guy! I mean, I know he's officially infallible and all that but I get the impression that he is just making stuff like this up as he goes along. Where in God's name (pun intended) does he get this guff???

After all, could it be that Jesus just wanted his merry men to stay awake while he prayed? Shurely not...

Wake up call from Pope

When Jesus asked his disciples to stay awake while he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane, he was asking every believer throughout history to remain awake to the reality of God and to the reality of sin, Pope Benedict XVI has said.

The Pope said that Jesus’s request was “a permanent message for all times because the drowsiness of his disciples was not just a problem in that moment; it is a problem throughout history”.

The Pope said, the lack of awareness about evil is the flip side of an equal lack of awareness about the presence and love of God. “This is our real drowsiness,” he said. “We don’t feel God’s presence."

Sorry, but I just don't get this guy! I mean, I know he's officially infallible and all that but I get the impression that he is just making stuff like this up as he goes along. Where in God's name (pun intended) does he get this guff???

After all, could it be that Jesus just wanted his merry men to stay awake while he prayed? Shurely not...

Benny's Easter broadcast

Sorry if you missed it, but Benny has given an Easter broadcast on Italian TV in the interests of 'improving communication and transparency."

Right.......believe that when I see it!

The Vatican invited people to send in their questions by e-mail and then the three most popular questions would be put to the Pope in a pre-recorded broadcast for RAI. In the end they decided to expand this to seven questions. Sounds pretty good on the face of it.

But.......

Questions are restricted by 'relevence to the life of Jesus' - so nothing allowed about covering up sex scandals, then? Transparency, my arse!

The Vatican will decide which are the most asked - sorry, make that relevant - questions and we'll not be told what the others were.

Answering these pertinent and relevant questions, Benny was aked by the mother of a son in a permanent vegetative state whether to let him die and was told 'his soul is still there but his body is like a guitar with broken strings.' Apparently, 'he can still feel love' even though he is totally unaware of anything at all.

Asked by a Japanese about the earthquake and tsunami, Benny told her that 'Jesus suffered as well, you know' so that's alright then. 

And a woman in Ivory Coast asked about the suffering and murder in her country to be told 'only love comes from God. Violence never comes from God' - well apart from the crusades,the Spanish Inquisition etc etc! You get the picture.

Sorry, but I don't get what any of this has to do with a Rabbi who was persecuted and crucified 2000 years ago.

Anyway, it was pre-recorded, not live. So call me a cynic, but it seems to me that it could have been recorded weeks ago. Shurley not?

Benny's Easter broadcast

Sorry if you missed it, but Benny has given an Easter broadcast on Italian TV in the interests of 'improving communication and transparency."

Right.......believe that when I see it!

The Vatican invited people to send in their questions by e-mail and then the three most popular questions would be put to the Pope in a pre-recorded broadcast for RAI. In the end they decided to expand this to seven questions. Sounds pretty good on the face of it.

But.......

Questions are restricted by 'relevence to the life of Jesus' - so nothing allowed about covering up sex scandals, then? Transparency, my arse!

The Vatican will decide which are the most asked - sorry, make that relevant - questions and we'll not be told what the others were.

Answering these pertinent and relevant questions, Benny was aked by the mother of a son in a permanent vegetative state whether to let him die and was told 'his soul is still there but his body is like a guitar with broken strings.' Apparently, 'he can still feel love' even though he is totally unaware of anything at all.

Asked by a Japanese about the earthquake and tsunami, Benny told her that 'Jesus suffered as well, you know' so that's alright then. 

And a woman in Ivory Coast asked about the suffering and murder in her country to be told 'only love comes from God. Violence never comes from God' - well apart from the crusades,the Spanish Inquisition etc etc! You get the picture.

Sorry, but I don't get what any of this has to do with a Rabbi who was persecuted and crucified 2000 years ago.

Anyway, it was pre-recorded, not live. So call me a cynic, but it seems to me that it could have been recorded weeks ago. Shurley not?

Benny goes to Assisi...

Pope Benedict XVI and representatives of the world’s major religions will make speeches and sign a common commitment to peace when they meet in Assisi in October, but they will not pray together, the Vatican has said.

I find this totally baffling!

The October gathering will commemorate the 25th anniversary of Pope John Paul II’s “prayer for peace” encounter in Assisi. The 1986 event was seen by many as a milestone in interreligious relations but was criticised by some Catholics who said it appeared to inappropriately mix elements from Christian and non-Christian religions.

Given that the last meeting was called "prayer for peace", I find the decision even more baffling!

Pope Benedict will prepare for the Assisi gathering by hosting a prayer service with Catholics from the Diocese of Rome in St Peter’s Basilica the evening before. According to the Catholic Herald, "other Catholic dioceses and other Christian communities are encouraged to organise similar prayer services."

So what they are basically saying is that only the Catholic and 'other Christians' should pray together for peace?

There are also apparently arguments wthin the Catholics community that to pray to God with members of other faiths would degrade the Catholic Church's claim to be the one true faith....

...so, in the interests of peace, let's cut the hypocrisy and bring back the Crusades!

Benny goes to Assisi...

Pope Benedict XVI and representatives of the world’s major religions will make speeches and sign a common commitment to peace when they meet in Assisi in October, but they will not pray together, the Vatican has said.

I find this totally baffling!

The October gathering will commemorate the 25th anniversary of Pope John Paul II’s “prayer for peace” encounter in Assisi. The 1986 event was seen by many as a milestone in interreligious relations but was criticised by some Catholics who said it appeared to inappropriately mix elements from Christian and non-Christian religions.

Given that the last meeting was called "prayer for peace", I find the decision even more baffling!

Pope Benedict will prepare for the Assisi gathering by hosting a prayer service with Catholics from the Diocese of Rome in St Peter’s Basilica the evening before. According to the Catholic Herald, "other Catholic dioceses and other Christian communities are encouraged to organise similar prayer services."

So what they are basically saying is that only the Catholic and 'other Christians' should pray together for peace?

There are also apparently arguments wthin the Catholics community that to pray to God with members of other faiths would degrade the Catholic Church's claim to be the one true faith....

...so, in the interests of peace, let's cut the hypocrisy and bring back the Crusades!

The Ratshitter Rap

As I seem to be on a roll this week taking the piss out of the catholic church - and let's face it, it ain't difficult - here's something for the weekend...

Pope Benedict XVI does 'The Ratshitter Rap'

+ + + + + STOP PRESS + + + + +

My good friend, Old Nick tells me that I have just been nominated for burning at the stake for this little piece of 'heresy'...

The Ratshitter Rap

As I seem to be on a roll this week taking the piss out of the catholic church - and let's face it, it ain't difficult - here's something for the weekend...

Pope Benedict XVI does 'The Ratshitter Rap'

+ + + + + STOP PRESS + + + + +

My good friend, Old Nick tells me that I have just been nominated for burning at the stake for this little piece of 'heresy'...

Fuck off, Benny!

As both my regular readers will know, I sometimes like to hit a religious note on a Sunday, and what better Sunday than today when the Pope's State Visit to the UK comes to an end?

So as we wish his Holiness a fond farewell, with these heartfelt words : "Fuck off and don't come back!", I have prepared a little souvenir of his stay in the UK in the form of the following document :

From : H.M Government of the United Kingdon
To : Pope Benedict, The Vatican, Italy

INVOICE

Item	Charge
Provision of Security Services during Papal Visit	£   15,000,000.00
Shortfall in Catholic Church's contribution to events	£     3,200,000.00
Hire of Stadia and marshaling services	£     5,000,000.00
Administration and management fees	£     9,000,000.00
Fine for breach of law re right of sexual expression	£   10,000,000.00
Fine for inciting religious hatred against non Catholics	£     5,000,000.00
Fine for breach of law on sexual equality by refusing to ordain female ministers	£   10,000,000.00
Penalty for preverting the course of justice in relation to abuse of minors by Catholic priests	£   50,000,000.00
Compensation for minors abused by aforesaid priests	£   40,000,000.00
Sub-total	£ 147,200,000.00
Plus : VAT at 17.5%	£   25,760,000.00
TOTAL PAYABLE	£ 172,960,000.00

Terms : Strictly net 30 days

I think that should keep him away for another year or two...

Fuck off, Benny!

As both my regular readers will know, I sometimes like to hit a religious note on a Sunday, and what better Sunday than today when the Pope's State Visit to the UK comes to an end?

So as we wish his Holiness a fond farewell, with these heartfelt words : "Fuck off and don't come back!", I have prepared a little souvenir of his stay in the UK in the form of the following document :

From : H.M Government of the United Kingdon
To : Pope Benedict, The Vatican, Italy

INVOICE

Item	Charge
Provision of Security Services during Papal Visit	£   15,000,000.00
Shortfall in Catholic Church's contribution to events	£     3,200,000.00
Hire of Stadia and marshaling services	£     5,000,000.00
Administration and management fees	£     9,000,000.00
Fine for breach of law re right of sexual expression	£   10,000,000.00
Fine for inciting religious hatred against non Catholics	£     5,000,000.00
Fine for breach of law on sexual equality by refusing to ordain female ministers	£   10,000,000.00
Penalty for preverting the course of justice in relation to abuse of minors by Catholic priests	£   50,000,000.00
Compensation for minors abused by aforesaid priests	£   40,000,000.00
Sub-total	£ 147,200,000.00
Plus : VAT at 17.5%	£   25,760,000.00
TOTAL PAYABLE	£ 172,960,000.00

Terms : Strictly net 30 days

I think that should keep him away for another year or two...

Papal Quiz - The answers!

For those of you enthralled by the challenge I set you with my recent 'fake or real' Papal visit souvenirs, here are the answers :

• Money Box :  Real - available by mail order in the States!
• Benedict-a-phone - I loved this one. Shame it's a fake.
• USB Stick : Real. Honest.
• Chef's Apron : Almost real - I changed the picture, but you can buy a Pope apron with the official visit logo on it.
• Pope's Wine : Real - apart from the miracle bit of course. It's a genuine Californian winery.
• Pope on a Rope : Real.
• Papal Visits for Dummies : Fake - although there is a Roman Catholicism for Dummies so I only had to photoshop a bit of the title.
• Talking Key Ring : Almost real. It doesn't talk but you really can get 'the power of the Pope in your pocket.'
• Naked Pope Pen : OK - it's a complete fake!
• 3 Hail Marys Cocktail Shaker : Realish - the Pope Benedict cocktail shaker is real but I made the rest up!
• I Love the Pope Knickers : 100% genuine.
• Benedict Condoms : Also 100% genuine. On the other side of the packet to "I said NO!" is printed "But we say YES"
• Pope's Special Ale : Real - but I doctored the picture on  the beermat
• Pope Candles : 100% genuine
• Flashing Pope Cigarette Dispenser : What do you think? Of course it's a fake - but wouldn't it be great if it was real?

And the one that got away is pictured above. It's a board game called "Conclave - How men become Pope" and it's available via mail order from the official Vatican gift shop.

The prices are of course complete bollocks, but I'm sure the Vatican would charge this much for similar tacky tourist trash if they thought they could get away with it. Just look at the prices of their tour T-shirts!
 
So how many did you get right?...

Papal Quiz - The answers!

For those of you enthralled by the challenge I set you with my recent 'fake or real' Papal visit souvenirs, here are the answers :

• Money Box :  Real - available by mail order in the States!
• Benedict-a-phone - I loved this one. Shame it's a fake.
• USB Stick : Real. Honest.
• Chef's Apron : Almost real - I changed the picture, but you can buy a Pope apron with the official visit logo on it.
• Pope's Wine : Real - apart from the miracle bit of course. It's a genuine Californian winery.
• Pope on a Rope : Real.
• Papal Visits for Dummies : Fake - although there is a Roman Catholicism for Dummies so I only had to photoshop a bit of the title.
• Talking Key Ring : Almost real. It doesn't talk but you really can get 'the power of the Pope in your pocket.'
• Naked Pope Pen : OK - it's a complete fake!
• 3 Hail Marys Cocktail Shaker : Realish - the Pope Benedict cocktail shaker is real but I made the rest up!
• I Love the Pope Knickers : 100% genuine.
• Benedict Condoms : Also 100% genuine. On the other side of the packet to "I said NO!" is printed "But we say YES"
• Pope's Special Ale : Real - but I doctored the picture on  the beermat
• Pope Candles : 100% genuine
• Flashing Pope Cigarette Dispenser : What do you think? Of course it's a fake - but wouldn't it be great if it was real?

And the one that got away is pictured above. It's a board game called "Conclave - How men become Pope" and it's available via mail order from the official Vatican gift shop.

The prices are of course complete bollocks, but I'm sure the Vatican would charge this much for similar tacky tourist trash if they thought they could get away with it. Just look at the prices of their tour T-shirts!
 
So how many did you get right?...

Papal Visit souvenirs [3]

As promissed, here are some more items from our Dioclese.co.uk papal visit souvenir range. Today we concentrate on our range of special sex aids :

Prove to the bad boys that you're a good girl with these I Love the Pope knickers! When it gets right down to it, you know that sex before marriage is a big no no for us catholics and he's going to think twice before trying to rip these off of you!

Protect your virginity for just £22.99

And if the previous item just didn't do it for you, then better safe than sorry with these Benedict Condoms.

Available in five fruity flavours, there's a reminder from his Holiness on each packet that this really isn't what you should be doing. But then we all give in to a little temptation now and again...

Packet of 5 just £12.99

And if you're feeling tired and worn out after all that illicit sex you shouldn't be having, what could be better than a nice cold beer?

Brewed especially to help you celebrate the papal vist, why not relax with a pint or two of Pope's Special Ale.

Available for a limited period on draught at selected churches or order a six pack from us for only £11.99 - Hmmmm. that's nice...


Let's face it, there's nothing worse than the lingering smell of sweat and beer.

So if you don't want your parents or even your kids or partner to know what you've been up to, just fire up these delightful hand moulded incense scented Pope Benedict Candles...

Cover up all your sins for only £19.99

There's nothing better after a shag than a fag and the Flashing Pope Cigarette Dispenser is guaranteed to satisfy.

Just pull down on the staff and the cassock spreads and lifts to reveal a nicotine erection down below - if you get my drift...

And that's not all! Flip back the head to reveal a cigarette lighter.

Raise your spirits for just £39.99




(PS. Here's a little competition for you : Which of these past three days' items are real and which are not? See how many you can get right! Answers on Friday.)

Papal Visit souvenirs [3]

As promissed, here are some more items from our Dioclese.co.uk papal visit souvenir range. Today we concentrate on our range of special sex aids :

Prove to the bad boys that you're a good girl with these I Love the Pope knickers! When it gets right down to it, you know that sex before marriage is a big no no for us catholics and he's going to think twice before trying to rip these off of you!

Protect your virginity for just £22.99

And if the previous item just didn't do it for you, then better safe than sorry with these Benedict Condoms.

Available in five fruity flavours, there's a reminder from his Holiness on each packet that this really isn't what you should be doing. But then we all give in to a little temptation now and again...

Packet of 5 just £12.99

And if you're feeling tired and worn out after all that illicit sex you shouldn't be having, what could be better than a nice cold beer?

Brewed especially to help you celebrate the papal vist, why not relax with a pint or two of Pope's Special Ale.

Available for a limited period on draught at selected churches or order a six pack from us for only £11.99 - Hmmmm. that's nice...


Let's face it, there's nothing worse than the lingering smell of sweat and beer.

So if you don't want your parents or even your kids or partner to know what you've been up to, just fire up these delightful hand moulded incense scented Pope Benedict Candles...

Cover up all your sins for only £19.99

There's nothing better after a shag than a fag and the Flashing Pope Cigarette Dispenser is guaranteed to satisfy.

Just pull down on the staff and the cassock spreads and lifts to reveal a nicotine erection down below - if you get my drift...

And that's not all! Flip back the head to reveal a cigarette lighter.

Raise your spirits for just £39.99




(PS. Here's a little competition for you : Which of these past three days' items are real and which are not? See how many you can get right! Answers on Friday.)

Papal Visit souvenirs [2]

Following on the recent launch of our Dioclese.co.uk special papal souvenirs, here's some more items from our Pope Benedict 'Kiss the Ring Tour' range :

Feeling unclean? Then try our Benedict brand Pope on a Roap soap!

Guaranteed to reach the parts that other soaps cannot reach, this papal soap will cleanse you of all your sins and leave you feeling totally pure.

Please note this product is not suitable for use on the genital areas of young children

Yours for the trifling sum of £14.99

Get the most out of Pope Benedict's UK tour with our new publication 'Papal Visits for Dummies'.

This updated book gives you the invaluable insights you need. Learn how to get the best seats at personal appearences; how to ensure that your name is included in the papal blessing; how to obtain direct absolution for all your sins.

These and many, many more for only £49.99

Get the power of the Pope in your pocket with your very own Pope Benedict talking key ring.

Made from high quality genuine polyurethane, you can always rely on this Pope to absolve you from the rigours of everyday sinning. Just give him a little squeeze and hear the Pope announce 'In Nomine Patre, Te Absolvo!

A bargain at £15.99 - batteries not required (runs on faith)

Here a little novelty item sure to please!
You've seen those pens where you turn the it upside down and the girl's clothes fall off? Well, here's a chance to own your very own 'Naked Pope Pen'. Just turn it upside down, and watch that cassock fall away.

Breaks the ice at any party for only £9.99

Still trying for that perfect cocktail? Well, the answer is in the timing!

Just throw your intoxicating mixture into our '3 Hail Marys Cocktail Shaker' and shake away. The speaker in the bottom recites 3 Hail Marys at the perfect pace to ensure your cocktail pours out just the right moment.

A perfect drink and absolution all at the same time for just £39.99

Just watch this space for more items from our exciting range coming soon...

Papal Visit souvenirs [2]

Following on the recent launch of our Dioclese.co.uk special papal souvenirs, here's some more items from our Pope Benedict 'Kiss the Ring Tour' range :

Feeling unclean? Then try our Benedict brand Pope on a Roap soap!

Guaranteed to reach the parts that other soaps cannot reach, this papal soap will cleanse you of all your sins and leave you feeling totally pure.

Please note this product is not suitable for use on the genital areas of young children

Yours for the trifling sum of £14.99

Get the most out of Pope Benedict's UK tour with our new publication 'Papal Visits for Dummies'.

This updated book gives you the invaluable insights you need. Learn how to get the best seats at personal appearences; how to ensure that your name is included in the papal blessing; how to obtain direct absolution for all your sins.

These and many, many more for only £49.99

Get the power of the Pope in your pocket with your very own Pope Benedict talking key ring.

Made from high quality genuine polyurethane, you can always rely on this Pope to absolve you from the rigours of everyday sinning. Just give him a little squeeze and hear the Pope announce 'In Nomine Patre, Te Absolvo!

A bargain at £15.99 - batteries not required (runs on faith)

Here a little novelty item sure to please!
You've seen those pens where you turn the it upside down and the girl's clothes fall off? Well, here's a chance to own your very own 'Naked Pope Pen'. Just turn it upside down, and watch that cassock fall away.

Breaks the ice at any party for only £9.99

Still trying for that perfect cocktail? Well, the answer is in the timing!

Just throw your intoxicating mixture into our '3 Hail Marys Cocktail Shaker' and shake away. The speaker in the bottom recites 3 Hail Marys at the perfect pace to ensure your cocktail pours out just the right moment.

A perfect drink and absolution all at the same time for just £39.99

Just watch this space for more items from our exciting range coming soon...

Papal Visit souvenirs

To mark the visit of his Holiness Pope Benedict XVI to our shores in September, Dioclese.co.uk has launched a range of tasteful commerative merchandise.

Here's just a few items from our carefully chosen range :

Our limited edition Pope Money Box. Made from 100% authentic organic plastic, this very special box comes complete with two slots for your money so you can save one for yourself and another to give to God on Sunday!

Our price just £29.95

Made especially for us by our friends at Fanasonic, the Benedict-a-phone takes your messages while you are out and has the added benefit of giving all your callers a papal blessing personal recorded by the Pontif himself.

All this for a giveaway price of only £249.99!

Keep your sacred memories safe with this Pope Benedict USB memory stick. 

Guaranteed to impress all your geeky mates, this state of the art devices stores an almost limitless number of prayers and blessings for a truly miraculous price of only £1.99

Worried about your soufflés going flat? Burnt the Sunday dinner? No rise in your yorkshire puddings? Never worry about these things again thanks to our Pope Benedict chef's apron.

Made from highest quality PVC and decorated with a tasteful portrait of his Holiness, your cooking worries will be a thing of the past. With the representative of God on Earth looking on, your cooking will become truly blessed!

Great meals guaranteed for only £75.99!

Looking to impress your guests at that all important dinner party? Here's your chance with our special reserve 'Pope's Winery' wine!

And here's the clever bit : You don't have to make a choice between white and red, because this very special vintage comes as clear water with detailed instructions for turning it into the wine of your choice as you pour.

Miraculous, or what!? And even more when you find it's only £499.99 a bottle.

(Each bottle comes with a certificate of authenticity signed by Pope Benedict himself)

Papal Visit souvenirs

To mark the visit of his Holiness Pope Benedict XVI to our shores in September, Dioclese.co.uk has launched a range of tasteful commerative merchandise.

Here's just a few items from our carefully chosen range :

Our limited edition Pope Money Box. Made from 100% authentic organic plastic, this very special box comes complete with two slots for your money so you can save one for yourself and another to give to God on Sunday!

Our price just £29.95

Made especially for us by our friends at Fanasonic, the Benedict-a-phone takes your messages while you are out and has the added benefit of giving all your callers a papal blessing personal recorded by the Pontif himself.

All this for a giveaway price of only £249.99!

Keep your sacred memories safe with this Pope Benedict USB memory stick. 

Guaranteed to impress all your geeky mates, this state of the art devices stores an almost limitless number of prayers and blessings for a truly miraculous price of only £1.99

Worried about your soufflés going flat? Burnt the Sunday dinner? No rise in your yorkshire puddings? Never worry about these things again thanks to our Pope Benedict chef's apron.

Made from highest quality PVC and decorated with a tasteful portrait of his Holiness, your cooking worries will be a thing of the past. With the representative of God on Earth looking on, your cooking will become truly blessed!

Great meals guaranteed for only £75.99!

Looking to impress your guests at that all important dinner party? Here's your chance with our special reserve 'Pope's Winery' wine!

And here's the clever bit : You don't have to make a choice between white and red, because this very special vintage comes as clear water with detailed instructions for turning it into the wine of your choice as you pour.

Miraculous, or what!? And even more when you find it's only £499.99 a bottle.

(Each bottle comes with a certificate of authenticity signed by Pope Benedict himself)

Da Pope, he's a comin'

Praise be to God, da Pope is coming to pay a state visit to Britain!

Now I have nothing against God, but I do happen to think that religion is one of the greatest evils ever perpetrated on the human race. It has caused more death and suffering than anything else on the planet. If it did not exist, then we would have to find another reason to kill each other.

Having got that off my chest, da Pope is a head of state. It is a complete mystery to me why the Vatican is a seperate state, but that's up the the Italians. Nevertheless, as a head of state he is entitled to pay a state visit to other countries. No problemo. Bring it on...

But what is out of order is that one of the richest states - if not THE richest state - on the planet has the brass neck to put out the begging bowl to pay for the trip. That is, of course, on top of the millions we have to fork out to keep the old sod safe while he is here.

Now look here, Benny. You've got plenty of wedge. Don't take the piss by handing round the begging bowl. Just pop down to your museum and flog off a painting.

And don't rip off your flock by selling tacky souvenirs and T-shirts to swell your own obscene coffers.

And while we're at it, don't lecture us on the evils of materialism while you swan around in your gold threaded robes.

In other words, stop being a bloody hypocrite. When I see you dressed like Gandhi, then I'll take you seriously. Until then, sod off back to Rome...

Da Pope, he's a comin'

Praise be to God, da Pope is coming to pay a state visit to Britain!

Now I have nothing against God, but I do happen to think that religion is one of the greatest evils ever perpetrated on the human race. It has caused more death and suffering than anything else on the planet. If it did not exist, then we would have to find another reason to kill each other.

Having got that off my chest, da Pope is a head of state. It is a complete mystery to me why the Vatican is a seperate state, but that's up the the Italians. Nevertheless, as a head of state he is entitled to pay a state visit to other countries. No problemo. Bring it on...

But what is out of order is that one of the richest states - if not THE richest state - on the planet has the brass neck to put out the begging bowl to pay for the trip. That is, of course, on top of the millions we have to fork out to keep the old sod safe while he is here.

Now look here, Benny. You've got plenty of wedge. Don't take the piss by handing round the begging bowl. Just pop down to your museum and flog off a painting.

And don't rip off your flock by selling tacky souvenirs and T-shirts to swell your own obscene coffers.

And while we're at it, don't lecture us on the evils of materialism while you swan around in your gold threaded robes.

In other words, stop being a bloody hypocrite. When I see you dressed like Gandhi, then I'll take you seriously. Until then, sod off back to Rome...