Richard the Turd at the TUC

Personally I like a good speech and it seems that this week's TUC has been sorely lacking, so here's one that Shakespeare wrote earlier...

Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious by these sons of Marx;
And all the clouds that lour'd on Congress House
In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.
Now are our brows furrowed with rebellious thoughts;
Our bruised arms holding up the placards;
Our braziers warm the merry pickets,
Our dreadful marches seek to change their measures.
Grim-visag'd war doth come to save our pensions;
And now,--instead of mounting barbed steeds
To fright the souls of fearful adversaries,--
We carry banners and chant before their House
To the endless barracking of marchers.
But we that are shaped for cunning tricks
Are made to court the lustings of power
We that are rudely stamped upon, and court our members
And strut before the wanton media
We are curtail'd of fair proportion,
And cheat and lieth by our very nature
Are deform'd, unfinish'd, sent upon this time
To spread these stories scarce half made up,
And those so lamely and unfashionable
That dogs would piss on us as we march by.
No power we in this weak piping time of peace,
Unless we strike to pass away the time,
And flex our muscles before the camera's eye
Reflecting on our paltry cause
And therefore,--since we cannot prove our case,
To entertain these fair well-spoken days,--
We are determined to find a villain,
On whom to blame the evil measures now proposed.
Plots have we laid, inductions dangerous,
By drunken prophecies, libels, and dreams,
To set our masters and their opposition
In deadly hate the one against the other:
And if their measures are proved as true and just
Then we must false, and treacherous, be
Our days of protest closely be mew'd up,--
About a prophecy which says that we
Our country's prospects the murderer shall be.
Dive, thoughts, down to my soul...

Years ahead of his time, that boy...

Richard the Turd at the TUC

Personally I like a good speech and it seems that this week's TUC has been sorely lacking, so here's one that Shakespeare wrote earlier...

Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious by these sons of Marx;
And all the clouds that lour'd on Congress House
In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.
Now are our brows furrowed with rebellious thoughts;
Our bruised arms holding up the placards;
Our braziers warm the merry pickets,
Our dreadful marches seek to change their measures.
Grim-visag'd war doth come to save our pensions;
And now,--instead of mounting barbed steeds
To fright the souls of fearful adversaries,--
We carry banners and chant before their House
To the endless barracking of marchers.
But we that are shaped for cunning tricks
Are made to court the lustings of power
We that are rudely stamped upon, and court our members
And strut before the wanton media
We are curtail'd of fair proportion,
And cheat and lieth by our very nature
Are deform'd, unfinish'd, sent upon this time
To spread these stories scarce half made up,
And those so lamely and unfashionable
That dogs would piss on us as we march by.
No power we in this weak piping time of peace,
Unless we strike to pass away the time,
And flex our muscles before the camera's eye
Reflecting on our paltry cause
And therefore,--since we cannot prove our case,
To entertain these fair well-spoken days,--
We are determined to find a villain,
On whom to blame the evil measures now proposed.
Plots have we laid, inductions dangerous,
By drunken prophecies, libels, and dreams,
To set our masters and their opposition
In deadly hate the one against the other:
And if their measures are proved as true and just
Then we must false, and treacherous, be
Our days of protest closely be mew'd up,--
About a prophecy which says that we
Our country's prospects the murderer shall be.
Dive, thoughts, down to my soul...

Years ahead of his time, that boy...

I Spy - another miracle!

Proof positive that God is everywhere, I took this picture at Isispynten on the island of Nordauslandet in Spitzbergen - or to put it another way, in the middle of nowhere!

The Vatican have dispatched a team of senior investigators on a luxury yatch to investigate...

I Spy - another miracle!

Proof positive that God is everywhere, I took this picture at Isispynten on the island of Nordauslandet in Spitzbergen - or to put it another way, in the middle of nowhere!

The Vatican have dispatched a team of senior investigators on a luxury yatch to investigate...

James and Rebekkah make a deal

We have hacked into the CCTV security system at News Corp to reveal what James and Rebekkah said to each other the day she handed in her resignation...

James and Rebekkah make a deal

We have hacked into the CCTV security system at News Corp to reveal what James and Rebekkah said to each other the day she handed in her resignation...

A newspaper editor speaks out...

"Come on, I mean there's really been a whole load of rubbish in the papers lately about all this phone hacking stuff. I mean Christ mate, I should know. After all, I wrote most of it!

At the end of the day, how's a journalist supposed to make his living if doesn't get any juicy information any way he can? I can't see nothing wrong with paying for it - after all if we didn't drop all that cash to the workers in the local government and the NHS and the police they'd want more money and the government keeps telling us we can't afford that in these tough economic times!

And now bloody Gordon's having a moan. I don't know how he's got the cheek after all we did to for him when he was Prime Minister. He never wanted an enquiry back then and don't let him kid you otherwise. He was just using it as a threat to blag a bit more coverage out of us, I reckon. Just like that Royal Family lot too. After all they don't want a repeat of that squidgy tape thing again, so what's a few lousy phone numbers?

I mean it's not like we were doing anything illegal at the end of the day. I mean it would been illegal if Gordon had pushed it through, but in the end he saw common sense and let us just get on with it. It's in the public interest after all to know what these people are really up to, and if we don't tell 'em, who will?

Anyhow, it's an ill wind that blows nobody any good. At least now the News of the Screws is gone there'll be more people buying our papers and that's gotta be a good thing, ain't it? And as far as this enquiry thing goes, have they never bleedin' 'eard of the press protecting it's sources?

Mark my words, it'll all blow over. And if it doesn't they'll be surprised what we got off those tapes at the end of the day, mate, just you see..."

At this point there is a clicking sound heard and the editor is heard to say : "Fuck! Was that a tape recorder running?..."

A newspaper editor speaks out...

"Come on, I mean there's really been a whole load of rubbish in the papers lately about all this phone hacking stuff. I mean Christ mate, I should know. After all, I wrote most of it!

At the end of the day, how's a journalist supposed to make his living if doesn't get any juicy information any way he can? I can't see nothing wrong with paying for it - after all if we didn't drop all that cash to the workers in the local government and the NHS and the police they'd want more money and the government keeps telling us we can't afford that in these tough economic times!

And now bloody Gordon's having a moan. I don't know how he's got the cheek after all we did to for him when he was Prime Minister. He never wanted an enquiry back then and don't let him kid you otherwise. He was just using it as a threat to blag a bit more coverage out of us, I reckon. Just like that Royal Family lot too. After all they don't want a repeat of that squidgy tape thing again, so what's a few lousy phone numbers?

I mean it's not like we were doing anything illegal at the end of the day. I mean it would been illegal if Gordon had pushed it through, but in the end he saw common sense and let us just get on with it. It's in the public interest after all to know what these people are really up to, and if we don't tell 'em, who will?

Anyhow, it's an ill wind that blows nobody any good. At least now the News of the Screws is gone there'll be more people buying our papers and that's gotta be a good thing, ain't it? And as far as this enquiry thing goes, have they never bleedin' 'eard of the press protecting it's sources?

Mark my words, it'll all blow over. And if it doesn't they'll be surprised what we got off those tapes at the end of the day, mate, just you see..."

At this point there is a clicking sound heard and the editor is heard to say : "Fuck! Was that a tape recorder running?..."

The Dear Gill Letters (12)

Daddy's incandescent...

Darling, I'm so sorry that I haven't written for a while, but you probably heard about that little spat that Daddy's been having up at his estate up in Yorkshire?

I mean, would you want an abattoir in your back garden? I went up there for a few days to try and cheer him up. He was telling me that everybody is against it. The local butcher wants to slaughter about 10,000 animals a year right on his doorstep. Can you imagine the smell not to mention the bits of mangled flesh flying out the windows and inconveniencing passers by.

To be fair, the locals had a meeting and none of them want it either, but the local council reckons that there are 'sound grounds' for the project and have approved it. Daddy's absolutely incandescent with rage! He's practically had a heart attack over it all.

And to make it worse, it's been approved by a Conservative run council! I asked Dave to have a quiet word with them, and I don't know what he said to them but it seems to have rather made things worse. They reacted by giving the little bugger even longer opening hours than he asked - probably stamping their little feet and muttering things about independence and undue influence and stuff!

I tell you what though. If the council leader's still looking forward to the New Years Honours list, he'd better be thinking again...

The house is open to the public in the summer and you can image what this is going to do to the garden tours - it just doesn't bear thinking about.

Anyway, we're lying low and making accomodating noises at the moment over that dreadful business at the News of the World. Dave's come in for a lot of stick from the dreaded Millipede over employing Andy as his press secretary. I mean what was he supposed to do? They say he exercised bad judgement in taking him on but as far as I can see the bad judgement would have been not sacking the little shit when all this hacking business came out.

Dave wants an enquiry into it all to salvage something from the whole mess - you know, exercising strong leadership and upholding the integrity of the law and all that sort of stuff. Trouble is once Rupey's got his hands on Sky he could really do some damage at the next election. Dave's really on a knife edge with this one.

Perhaps we could get him to do the opening ceremony at the new abattoir and arrange a little accident? Only joking, but I suspect it would put the smile back on Daddy's face for a while!

Toodle pip for now,

The Dear Gill Letters (12)

Daddy's incandescent...

Darling, I'm so sorry that I haven't written for a while, but you probably heard about that little spat that Daddy's been having up at his estate up in Yorkshire?

I mean, would you want an abattoir in your back garden? I went up there for a few days to try and cheer him up. He was telling me that everybody is against it. The local butcher wants to slaughter about 10,000 animals a year right on his doorstep. Can you imagine the smell not to mention the bits of mangled flesh flying out the windows and inconveniencing passers by.

To be fair, the locals had a meeting and none of them want it either, but the local council reckons that there are 'sound grounds' for the project and have approved it. Daddy's absolutely incandescent with rage! He's practically had a heart attack over it all.

And to make it worse, it's been approved by a Conservative run council! I asked Dave to have a quiet word with them, and I don't know what he said to them but it seems to have rather made things worse. They reacted by giving the little bugger even longer opening hours than he asked - probably stamping their little feet and muttering things about independence and undue influence and stuff!

I tell you what though. If the council leader's still looking forward to the New Years Honours list, he'd better be thinking again...

The house is open to the public in the summer and you can image what this is going to do to the garden tours - it just doesn't bear thinking about.

Anyway, we're lying low and making accomodating noises at the moment over that dreadful business at the News of the World. Dave's come in for a lot of stick from the dreaded Millipede over employing Andy as his press secretary. I mean what was he supposed to do? They say he exercised bad judgement in taking him on but as far as I can see the bad judgement would have been not sacking the little shit when all this hacking business came out.

Dave wants an enquiry into it all to salvage something from the whole mess - you know, exercising strong leadership and upholding the integrity of the law and all that sort of stuff. Trouble is once Rupey's got his hands on Sky he could really do some damage at the next election. Dave's really on a knife edge with this one.

Perhaps we could get him to do the opening ceremony at the new abattoir and arrange a little accident? Only joking, but I suspect it would put the smile back on Daddy's face for a while!

Toodle pip for now,

Customer support

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said 'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar replied 'The telephone goes green, green, and then I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar....'

Mujibar now works at a call centre.

I think I spoke to him earlier this week...

Customer support

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said 'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar replied 'The telephone goes green, green, and then I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar....'

Mujibar now works at a call centre.

I think I spoke to him earlier this week...

Do the Funky Sheeple

Get right on down with a bit of real 70's funk and take the piss out of sheeple all at the same time! Works for me...

Do the Funky Sheeple

Get right on down with a bit of real 70's funk and take the piss out of sheeple all at the same time! Works for me...

Royal wedding video

The Royal wedding as it's definitely not going to be

If you've not seen this already, it's worth a look...



Standards, dear boy. Standards!

Royal wedding video

The Royal wedding as it's definitely not going to be

If you've not seen this already, it's worth a look...



Standards, dear boy. Standards!

The Garden of Eden

Today's lesson is taken from the Book of Genesis, Waterstone's 2011 edition...

1. In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
2. Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and White Chocolate Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.
3. And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.
4. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
5. So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
6. God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.
7. And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
8. Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
9. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
10. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
11. Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
12. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
13. God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
14. And then ............. Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

Here endeth the leson...

The Garden of Eden

Today's lesson is taken from the Book of Genesis, Waterstone's 2011 edition...

1. In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
2. Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and White Chocolate Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.
3. And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.
4. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
5. So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
6. God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.
7. And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
8. Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
9. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
10. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
11. Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
12. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
13. God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
14. And then ............. Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

Here endeth the leson...

Coalition strength Cillit Bang

Speaks for itself...

Coalition strength Cillit Bang

Speaks for itself...