The Lone Ranger's last stand...

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So,  YOU are the great Lone Ranger"... 

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" 

"What is your FIRST request?' 

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

  

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. 

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. 

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.  "You have a very fine and loyal horse", 

"But I will still kill you in two days." 

"What is your SECOND request?" 

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. 

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.  

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, evenmore attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 

"You are indeed a man of many talents," 

"But I will still kill you tomorrow." 

"What is your LAST request?" 

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse ... alone." 

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. 

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen Very Carefully!!! FOR ...THE ...LAST...TIME ...

...........

"BRING POSSE!"      

The Lone Ranger's last stand...

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So,  YOU are the great Lone Ranger"... 

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" 

"What is your FIRST request?' 

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

  

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. 

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. 

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.  "You have a very fine and loyal horse", 

"But I will still kill you in two days." 

"What is your SECOND request?" 

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. 

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.  

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, evenmore attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 

"You are indeed a man of many talents," 

"But I will still kill you tomorrow." 

"What is your LAST request?" 

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse ... alone." 

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. 

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen Very Carefully!!! FOR ...THE ...LAST...TIME ...

...........

"BRING POSSE!"      

The Polar Bear Song

I admit to being impressed - not just by my recent trip but by the speed at which my friend Chas banged out a song about the trip on the strength of a couple of e-mails!

The pictures are all mine incidentally from which you will have gathered we saw quite a few bears, but a friend of mine did the same trip a couple of years earlier and never saw one . Hope you enjoy it - it made I larf...

The Polar Bear Song

I admit to being impressed - not just by my recent trip but by the speed at which my friend Chas banged out a song about the trip on the strength of a couple of e-mails!

The pictures are all mine incidentally from which you will have gathered we saw quite a few bears, but a friend of mine did the same trip a couple of years earlier and never saw one . Hope you enjoy it - it made I larf...

More silly questions...

Back in April, I published part of a list of some bloody silly questions that a polar expedition guide friend of mine sent me. I was reminded of it on my recent visit to the Arctic, so I thought I would share a few more gems from it with you...

• Do polar bears come out when it is light?


• Do the icebreakers make those icebergs?


• Do the Vikings cause any ethnic problems in Norway these days?


• Do they have special charts for the extra ice in winter?


• Do they sharpen the bows to make it easier for the ship to cut through the ice?


• Do the crew sleep aboard?


• Does the midnight sun set above the horizon?


• Does the world spin in the other direction at the North Pole?


• Does this driftwood come from trees?


• Does this island go all the way down to the bottom of the sea?


• How tall is the North Pole?


• If all the lines meet at the pole how do we know where we are?


• If I toss a coin in the sea at the North Pole will it ever reach the bottom?


• If it is January at the South Pole what month is it at the North Pole?


• Is it so cold at the poles because the Sun is farther away?


• Is it the waves, which push the glaciers so far inland?


• Is the North Pole farther north than we are now?


• Is there such a thing as a female Sperm Whale?


• Is this island completely surrounded by water?


• They announced there were whales; why can I only see fins?


• What bird species made that pooh?


• What colour is that snow?


• What do the fish do when the tide goes out?


• What do they do with the glaciers in winter?


• What is the local time at the North Pole?


• What is the maximum reported speed of fast ice?


• What is the nationality of the Russian crew?


• What language is spoken at the North Pole?


• What makes that guano?


• When you said the Polar Circle was at 66½ degrees, is that in Fahrenheit or Centigrade?


• Where do the seals go when it rains?


• Who owns those glaciers?


• Why aren’t there any seat-belts on the Zodiacs?


• Why do the whales keep coming to the surface?


• Why don’t they build extensions to the historic huts so more people can get in at once?


• Why is that side of the ship moving but this side isn’t?


• Why is the horizon so bright at sunset?


• Why is this island uninhabited?


• Will I be able to buy postcards at the abandoned village?


• Will the whale surfacing at 10 o’clock be in the morning or the evening?


• Will you call me ten minutes before the next whale surfaces?

And I swear they are all real...

More silly questions...

Back in April, I published part of a list of some bloody silly questions that a polar expedition guide friend of mine sent me. I was reminded of it on my recent visit to the Arctic, so I thought I would share a few more gems from it with you...

• Do polar bears come out when it is light?


• Do the icebreakers make those icebergs?


• Do the Vikings cause any ethnic problems in Norway these days?


• Do they have special charts for the extra ice in winter?


• Do they sharpen the bows to make it easier for the ship to cut through the ice?


• Do the crew sleep aboard?


• Does the midnight sun set above the horizon?


• Does the world spin in the other direction at the North Pole?


• Does this driftwood come from trees?


• Does this island go all the way down to the bottom of the sea?


• How tall is the North Pole?


• If all the lines meet at the pole how do we know where we are?


• If I toss a coin in the sea at the North Pole will it ever reach the bottom?


• If it is January at the South Pole what month is it at the North Pole?


• Is it so cold at the poles because the Sun is farther away?


• Is it the waves, which push the glaciers so far inland?


• Is the North Pole farther north than we are now?


• Is there such a thing as a female Sperm Whale?


• Is this island completely surrounded by water?


• They announced there were whales; why can I only see fins?


• What bird species made that pooh?


• What colour is that snow?


• What do the fish do when the tide goes out?


• What do they do with the glaciers in winter?


• What is the local time at the North Pole?


• What is the maximum reported speed of fast ice?


• What is the nationality of the Russian crew?


• What language is spoken at the North Pole?


• What makes that guano?


• When you said the Polar Circle was at 66½ degrees, is that in Fahrenheit or Centigrade?


• Where do the seals go when it rains?


• Who owns those glaciers?


• Why aren’t there any seat-belts on the Zodiacs?


• Why do the whales keep coming to the surface?


• Why don’t they build extensions to the historic huts so more people can get in at once?


• Why is that side of the ship moving but this side isn’t?


• Why is the horizon so bright at sunset?


• Why is this island uninhabited?


• Will I be able to buy postcards at the abandoned village?


• Will the whale surfacing at 10 o’clock be in the morning or the evening?


• Will you call me ten minutes before the next whale surfaces?

And I swear they are all real...

Massage parlour...

Dioclese is on his way back from the Arctic and normal service will be resumed shortly!

My thanks to the genius of Tim Whyatt in Australia for keeping you amused whilst I have been off enjoying myself. I thoroughly recommend his most excellent site which is well worth a visit!

Massage parlour...

Dioclese is on his way back from the Arctic and normal service will be resumed shortly!

My thanks to the genius of Tim Whyatt in Australia for keeping you amused whilst I have been off enjoying myself. I thoroughly recommend his most excellent site which is well worth a visit!

Sexy, bishop!

(Dioclese is currently freezing his arse off in the Arctic)

Sexy, bishop!

(Dioclese is currently freezing his arse off in the Arctic)

Pimp my ride...

(Dioclese is currently freezing his arse off in the Arctic)

Pimp my ride...

(Dioclese is currently freezing his arse off in the Arctic)

On line shopping

(Dioclese is currently freezing his arse off in the Arctic)

On line shopping

(Dioclese is currently freezing his arse off in the Arctic)

Social networking

(Dioclese is currently freezing is arse off in the Arctic)

Social networking

(Dioclese is currently freezing is arse off in the Arctic)

Technology

(Dioclese is currently freezing his arse off in the Arctic)

Technology

(Dioclese is currently freezing his arse off in the Arctic)

ATM instructions

Research has discovered that it is apparently necessary for instructions to users of drive through ATM's to be issued according to the sex of the user.

Here are the two sets :

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.


Simples!.....


(Dioclese is currently freezing his arse off in the Arctic)

ATM instructions

Research has discovered that it is apparently necessary for instructions to users of drive through ATM's to be issued according to the sex of the user.

Here are the two sets :

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.


Simples!.....


(Dioclese is currently freezing his arse off in the Arctic)