Huge turd sighted in Thames!

Apparently a bloke called David Walliams, who claims to be a comedian of some sort, has just spent 8 days of his life swimming the 140 mile length of the Thames.

Well maybe it's just me, because I just don't get it. It seems one hell of a waste of 8 days of a life to me.

Alright, I know it was done for 'cherritee, mate' (please use best Smashie and Nicey accent at this juncture), but I just don't see the point. Personally, I'm all 'cherriteed' out and even if I wasn't then Sport Aid and Red Nose Day would be right down the bottom of the list. A load of so called celebs with too much money acting the arse in order to take money from poorer people who most likely can't afford it but are too thick to say no...

And of course at the end of this epic feat of human endurance there were the usual crew of b-list comedy celebs waiting to welcome him - people like Jimmy Carr, Rob Bryden, Lennie Henry, Barbara Windsor and other seriously unfunny people.

Apparently, this completely pointless piece of lunacy has raised over £1 million for 'cherritee, mate, cherritee'. Money that we can now piss down the toilet to administrators, committees and corrupt overseas governments. How much of it actually gets to the so-called 'needy people', I wonder? About as much as the £52 million of our taxes that got thrown to Somalia so that they can afford to fund kidnapping and murder of innocent tourists, I should imagine.

There are a couple of famous sayings that come to mind: "The good Lord helps those who help themselves" and "Charity begins at home".

As far as I can see this was just another turd floating in the Thames...

Huge turd sighted in Thames!

Apparently a bloke called David Walliams, who claims to be a comedian of some sort, has just spent 8 days of his life swimming the 140 mile length of the Thames.

Well maybe it's just me, because I just don't get it. It seems one hell of a waste of 8 days of a life to me.

Alright, I know it was done for 'cherritee, mate' (please use best Smashie and Nicey accent at this juncture), but I just don't see the point. Personally, I'm all 'cherriteed' out and even if I wasn't then Sport Aid and Red Nose Day would be right down the bottom of the list. A load of so called celebs with too much money acting the arse in order to take money from poorer people who most likely can't afford it but are too thick to say no...

And of course at the end of this epic feat of human endurance there were the usual crew of b-list comedy celebs waiting to welcome him - people like Jimmy Carr, Rob Bryden, Lennie Henry, Barbara Windsor and other seriously unfunny people.

Apparently, this completely pointless piece of lunacy has raised over £1 million for 'cherritee, mate, cherritee'. Money that we can now piss down the toilet to administrators, committees and corrupt overseas governments. How much of it actually gets to the so-called 'needy people', I wonder? About as much as the £52 million of our taxes that got thrown to Somalia so that they can afford to fund kidnapping and murder of innocent tourists, I should imagine.

There are a couple of famous sayings that come to mind: "The good Lord helps those who help themselves" and "Charity begins at home".

As far as I can see this was just another turd floating in the Thames...

Crap Boats of the World - MY Halis Temel

As my regular reader will know, I get around a bit and like to point out the good and bad points about where I have been and how I got there. I try to be fair minded so that other people can learn and benefit from my experiences.

This was a somewhat different sort of trip for me. Some time ago while sitting on the key on a Greek island with a glass of Ouzo in my hand (Metaxa has become so expensive!), we contemplated a sailing holiday. I looked out into the harbour at all the sailing flotilla boats and thought that was slumming it a bit for my personal taste. However, the big motor yatch with a crew of about ten moored at the end of the quay looked rather inviting, so when the opportunity came up to sail the Turquoise Coast on a luxury yatch we thought "Why not?"

Well, I'll tell you why not...

This is a small boat (12 cabins) and looked lovely in the brochure. It is a shame that a substance doesn't live up to the style. Please admire the carving above which is on the stern of the boat. The tits on this carving really are it's best feature.

The crew is Turkish and performs his duties entirely to its own satisfaction and time scales. As a seasoned traveller, I have no problem with the latter, it's the former that really annoys me. I suspect that one of the problems is that their boss is Greek so naturally they treat him with contempt and take no notice of him whatsoever. He, in turn, treats them like shit and talks to them in the same manner.

Tragically, this could be a beautiful boat and it is spoiled by a total lack of storage space for incidentals - such as clothes. The finishes throughout are, well, Turkish. My shower room taps stick two inches out of the wall and the tiling is, frankly, not as good as my first attempt when I was 17 years old. The TV has no signal, the drains stink, the toilet seat keeps threatening to circumcise me and what is that strange stuff gurgling up the drainage hole in the shower?...

I could go on and on - and, as my regular reader will know, I often do - but what really pissed me off one day was my early morning wake-up call. This is mainly because I never asked for one! The crew quarters border my cabin (something not illustrated in the brochure!) and at 4 a.m. the phone rang - and rang - and rang. No one answered because they weren't there! I don't know for certain, but I suspect they were ashore getting pissed so just how fit they are to run the boat the next day has to be the £6,000 question.

So if you are thinking of going on this boat, then my advice is "Don't!"


(Dioclese is currently freezing his arse off in the Arctic - hopefully on a better boat than this one!)

Crap Boats of the World - MY Halis Temel

As my regular reader will know, I get around a bit and like to point out the good and bad points about where I have been and how I got there. I try to be fair minded so that other people can learn and benefit from my experiences.

This was a somewhat different sort of trip for me. Some time ago while sitting on the key on a Greek island with a glass of Ouzo in my hand (Metaxa has become so expensive!), we contemplated a sailing holiday. I looked out into the harbour at all the sailing flotilla boats and thought that was slumming it a bit for my personal taste. However, the big motor yatch with a crew of about ten moored at the end of the quay looked rather inviting, so when the opportunity came up to sail the Turquoise Coast on a luxury yatch we thought "Why not?"

Well, I'll tell you why not...

This is a small boat (12 cabins) and looked lovely in the brochure. It is a shame that a substance doesn't live up to the style. Please admire the carving above which is on the stern of the boat. The tits on this carving really are it's best feature.

The crew is Turkish and performs his duties entirely to its own satisfaction and time scales. As a seasoned traveller, I have no problem with the latter, it's the former that really annoys me. I suspect that one of the problems is that their boss is Greek so naturally they treat him with contempt and take no notice of him whatsoever. He, in turn, treats them like shit and talks to them in the same manner.

Tragically, this could be a beautiful boat and it is spoiled by a total lack of storage space for incidentals - such as clothes. The finishes throughout are, well, Turkish. My shower room taps stick two inches out of the wall and the tiling is, frankly, not as good as my first attempt when I was 17 years old. The TV has no signal, the drains stink, the toilet seat keeps threatening to circumcise me and what is that strange stuff gurgling up the drainage hole in the shower?...

I could go on and on - and, as my regular reader will know, I often do - but what really pissed me off one day was my early morning wake-up call. This is mainly because I never asked for one! The crew quarters border my cabin (something not illustrated in the brochure!) and at 4 a.m. the phone rang - and rang - and rang. No one answered because they weren't there! I don't know for certain, but I suspect they were ashore getting pissed so just how fit they are to run the boat the next day has to be the £6,000 question.

So if you are thinking of going on this boat, then my advice is "Don't!"


(Dioclese is currently freezing his arse off in the Arctic - hopefully on a better boat than this one!)

Burger King don't do Carlsberg...

 ...but if they did, it would probably taste like shite as well.

Burger King, Birchanger Services, M11

 Probably the worst restaurant in the world!!

Burger King don't do Carlsberg...

 ...but if they did, it would probably taste like shite as well.

Burger King, Birchanger Services, M11

 Probably the worst restaurant in the world!!

Crap places - Kusadasi

For many years, we have shied away from a holiday in Turkey. There is no particular reason for this or even any logical explanation, but for some reason it has simply never appealed to us.

However, we have always had a desire to see Ephesus. For several years we stayed in Samos and thought about the day trip but being laid back as we always are in Greece, we just never got around to it. So when we saw this boat trip that included a visit to Ephesus and thought, as Mrs D. so succinctly, it would be an opportunity to finally go Ephesus 'without inflicting a week in Turkey on ourselves'.

As I write this, we are second morning in Kusadasi and are leaving at lunchtime. Our tour manager summed it up nicely yesterday in a rather an unguarded moment. "Kusadasi is a shit hole" she declared.
.
We had an open mind - despite the previously declared illogical bias - but we agree with her. Like a camel, it has few if any redeeming features. Firstly, it is an ugly concrete anthill festooned with more satellite dishes than I thought they were in the entire world. It is a place you pass through to get to Ephesus. This is the sole reason it exists. Each day a new cruise ship pulls in, disgorges coachloads of tourists to Ephesus and then deposits them back at the town centre to be subjected to the Kusadasi shopping experience.

If you have been to Egypt or Morocco will have already experienced this in a lesser form. Here the shopkeepers are absolutely relentless! Is is impossible and even pass within 50 feet of a shop without being pounced on. It is so bad that they even put up signs saying "no hassle" but they do it anyway!

One shopkeeper actually asked me why it was the English don't come into his shop. I explained that the English wish to be left alone to browse in peace and like to see price tags. This concept was totally lost on him proving once again that trying to teach a pig to sing simply annoys you and frustrates the pink!

But just to prove that there is always one, last year Mrs D. bought a leather jacket (quite a nice one actually) in Marks & Spencer is for £220. Yesterday in Kusadasi, one of our merry gang bought quite a simple for £250 and was bragging about it being such a great bargain. The sheeple billed and cooed accordingly, whereas Mrs D. and I just thought "What a cunt!"

Clearly, the Kusadasi shopping system actually works!

Crap places - Kusadasi

For many years, we have shied away from a holiday in Turkey. There is no particular reason for this or even any logical explanation, but for some reason it has simply never appealed to us.

However, we have always had a desire to see Ephesus. For several years we stayed in Samos and thought about the day trip but being laid back as we always are in Greece, we just never got around to it. So when we saw this boat trip that included a visit to Ephesus and thought, as Mrs D. so succinctly, it would be an opportunity to finally go Ephesus 'without inflicting a week in Turkey on ourselves'.

As I write this, we are second morning in Kusadasi and are leaving at lunchtime. Our tour manager summed it up nicely yesterday in a rather an unguarded moment. "Kusadasi is a shit hole" she declared.
.
We had an open mind - despite the previously declared illogical bias - but we agree with her. Like a camel, it has few if any redeeming features. Firstly, it is an ugly concrete anthill festooned with more satellite dishes than I thought they were in the entire world. It is a place you pass through to get to Ephesus. This is the sole reason it exists. Each day a new cruise ship pulls in, disgorges coachloads of tourists to Ephesus and then deposits them back at the town centre to be subjected to the Kusadasi shopping experience.

If you have been to Egypt or Morocco will have already experienced this in a lesser form. Here the shopkeepers are absolutely relentless! Is is impossible and even pass within 50 feet of a shop without being pounced on. It is so bad that they even put up signs saying "no hassle" but they do it anyway!

One shopkeeper actually asked me why it was the English don't come into his shop. I explained that the English wish to be left alone to browse in peace and like to see price tags. This concept was totally lost on him proving once again that trying to teach a pig to sing simply annoys you and frustrates the pink!

But just to prove that there is always one, last year Mrs D. bought a leather jacket (quite a nice one actually) in Marks & Spencer is for £220. Yesterday in Kusadasi, one of our merry gang bought quite a simple for £250 and was bragging about it being such a great bargain. The sheeple billed and cooed accordingly, whereas Mrs D. and I just thought "What a cunt!"

Clearly, the Kusadasi shopping system actually works!

Crap Bars of the World : Bloody Mary's

During our recent visit to Bora Bora, we had the opportunity to call in at one of the world's most famous bars, Bloody Mary's.

Responsible for inventing the world famous drink of the same name, it was established in 1979 and gained it's fame by patronage from the likes of Marlon Brando who was particularly fond of the place and had a house on the island. Our tour included a drink here, so it would have been churlish to refuse.

The first thing you notice when you pull up outside is two bloody great (excuse the pun) noticeboards with the names of all the famous people who have visited the place. Then you go in past a counter selling T-shirts into the main bar.

To be fair, we did drop 90+ people into the bar in one go, so that might have accounted for the feeling of darkness and claustrophobia, but I have a feeling that was probably just the same with 10 people! Anyway, the aforementioned and much hyped drinks were duly doled out and consumed.

Disappointingly, mine contained enough Tabasco sauce to take the skin off my throat as it went down. The cynical amongst us might think that this was perhaps to cover up the lack of vodka? Surely not! (I don't want to get sued.)

However, to check out this theory, I asked for a second one without the Tabasco. Eventually, after much difficulty with the language - which was odd as we were both speaking English - one was duly delivered. Perhaps there was a misunderstanding as mine seemed devoid of any taste of vodka as far as I could tell.

And the cost of this? Our cruise director doled out 69,000 Pacific francs - which is about £600 to you or around £6 a glass.

And,  if after all that, you felt inclined by buy one of their T-shirt advertising the place, they were a very reasonable US$ 39 each!

So my advice to you if you are looking for a bloody Mary on Bora Bora? Buy a carton of tomato juice and a bottle of vodka, go to Bloody Mary's and take a picture, sit across the road and look at it while you drink your own.

It'll taste better, cost less and you still get a look at the outside - which is actually a lot nicer than the inside...

Crap Bars of the World : Bloody Mary's

During our recent visit to Bora Bora, we had the opportunity to call in at one of the world's most famous bars, Bloody Mary's.

Responsible for inventing the world famous drink of the same name, it was established in 1979 and gained it's fame by patronage from the likes of Marlon Brando who was particularly fond of the place and had a house on the island. Our tour included a drink here, so it would have been churlish to refuse.

The first thing you notice when you pull up outside is two bloody great (excuse the pun) noticeboards with the names of all the famous people who have visited the place. Then you go in past a counter selling T-shirts into the main bar.

To be fair, we did drop 90+ people into the bar in one go, so that might have accounted for the feeling of darkness and claustrophobia, but I have a feeling that was probably just the same with 10 people! Anyway, the aforementioned and much hyped drinks were duly doled out and consumed.

Disappointingly, mine contained enough Tabasco sauce to take the skin off my throat as it went down. The cynical amongst us might think that this was perhaps to cover up the lack of vodka? Surely not! (I don't want to get sued.)

However, to check out this theory, I asked for a second one without the Tabasco. Eventually, after much difficulty with the language - which was odd as we were both speaking English - one was duly delivered. Perhaps there was a misunderstanding as mine seemed devoid of any taste of vodka as far as I could tell.

And the cost of this? Our cruise director doled out 69,000 Pacific francs - which is about £600 to you or around £6 a glass.

And,  if after all that, you felt inclined by buy one of their T-shirt advertising the place, they were a very reasonable US$ 39 each!

So my advice to you if you are looking for a bloody Mary on Bora Bora? Buy a carton of tomato juice and a bottle of vodka, go to Bloody Mary's and take a picture, sit across the road and look at it while you drink your own.

It'll taste better, cost less and you still get a look at the outside - which is actually a lot nicer than the inside...

Totally crap software

This is a possibly futile attempt to get off the subject of politics in the middle of a general election campaign and have a damn good rant about something that really winds me up - software that is totally crap and useless!

Now listen - in a former life I spent a quarter of a century making sure that IT projects performed properly. Some of this stuff I'm not even allowed to talk about in case the New Labour Thought Police come knocking on my door. Anyway, let's at least assume I might know what I am talking about....

This is how it works :

* Someone thinks they need a program written to do something, so they form a project team

* We sit down and make out a project plan. This goes something along the lines of -

• We know what day it is and we know when we want to start selling it, so the difference is the length of the project
• Item 2, write a specification. But hang on, how do we know how long the project is going to take if we haven't got a spec yet? Shouldn't we do this first?
• Third, decide how long a nominal, set team of programmers will take write the software to the spec we haven't written yet
• Now we know when the date when programme will be ready for testing, so the time taken is the difference between then and the launch date

* The program goes on sale and doesn't work properly.

This is because there was a bottleneck in the testing department not because the programme was delivered late and was written by a team of deaf blind monkeys somewhere in India, under pressure to get it done quickly with too few resources, in an unrealistic time scale to an ever changing spec! And, of course, on a fixed price contract...

In the exciting world of Government (bugger - I'm back to politics!), this is complicated by the fact they outsource the job to firms of consultants who hire in contractors because anyone with the skills and competence necessary to do the job most likely works for themselves.

Also, there is absolutely no incentive to get it right. Many firms I have worked for are not interested in doing it right because when the thing doesn't do what it's supposed to, they can charge their clients for fixing it. This is akin to paying fifty grand for a car which breaks down as you drive it out of the garage - and then being charged to get it going again. Unbelievable, but true!

And I'm not going to argue with this, because one of the main Government outsource companies for IT is owned by the same people who put a horse's head in your bed - so I'm sure as hell not going to name them here. We both know who you are...

So next time you are queuing round the block for a passport, trying to find your bags in terminal five or wondering where the hell your student loan has got to, remember - you heard it here first!

(And all this because the bloudy people who monitor the hits on this site kept telling me I had no readers - but you and I know better, don't we?)

Totally crap software

This is a possibly futile attempt to get off the subject of politics in the middle of a general election campaign and have a damn good rant about something that really winds me up - software that is totally crap and useless!

Now listen - in a former life I spent a quarter of a century making sure that IT projects performed properly. Some of this stuff I'm not even allowed to talk about in case the New Labour Thought Police come knocking on my door. Anyway, let's at least assume I might know what I am talking about....

This is how it works :

* Someone thinks they need a program written to do something, so they form a project team

* We sit down and make out a project plan. This goes something along the lines of -

• We know what day it is and we know when we want to start selling it, so the difference is the length of the project
• Item 2, write a specification. But hang on, how do we know how long the project is going to take if we haven't got a spec yet? Shouldn't we do this first?
• Third, decide how long a nominal, set team of programmers will take write the software to the spec we haven't written yet
• Now we know when the date when programme will be ready for testing, so the time taken is the difference between then and the launch date

* The program goes on sale and doesn't work properly.

This is because there was a bottleneck in the testing department not because the programme was delivered late and was written by a team of deaf blind monkeys somewhere in India, under pressure to get it done quickly with too few resources, in an unrealistic time scale to an ever changing spec! And, of course, on a fixed price contract...

In the exciting world of Government (bugger - I'm back to politics!), this is complicated by the fact they outsource the job to firms of consultants who hire in contractors because anyone with the skills and competence necessary to do the job most likely works for themselves.

Also, there is absolutely no incentive to get it right. Many firms I have worked for are not interested in doing it right because when the thing doesn't do what it's supposed to, they can charge their clients for fixing it. This is akin to paying fifty grand for a car which breaks down as you drive it out of the garage - and then being charged to get it going again. Unbelievable, but true!

And I'm not going to argue with this, because one of the main Government outsource companies for IT is owned by the same people who put a horse's head in your bed - so I'm sure as hell not going to name them here. We both know who you are...

So next time you are queuing round the block for a passport, trying to find your bags in terminal five or wondering where the hell your student loan has got to, remember - you heard it here first!

(And all this because the bloudy people who monitor the hits on this site kept telling me I had no readers - but you and I know better, don't we?)