The House of Lords

I actually don't think a lot of the House of Lords. As far as I can see it's just full of a load of unelected, jumped up, self opinionated twats like Prescott and Mandleson who are mainly there for the jolly. Or maybe in the light of recent courts cases, for the perks. Or the titles...

Anyway, Cleggy has been given the task of reforming it and just to prove that it's much easier to make sweeping policy statements when you know you have no chance of being in government, a right pigs' breakfast (no pun intended) he's making of it.

There are currently 792 members of the Lords. Yes, I did say 792. That's more than the number of MPs in the lower house. I think anyone would agree that that's a trifle excessive. Cleggy intends to prune this down to 300. And some of them would actually get to be elected. Wow!

Apparently his plan is that 240 of these would be elected using the Limp Dumps favourite method - proportional representation. I think the hope is that once the public see how well PR works, we'll want to use it for MPs?

However, they would be elected for a period of 15 years. Yes, I did say 15 years. This is clearly quite ridiculous. And even better, they will be replacing the existing members over three elections starting in May 2015 - so the full effects won't be in place for thirty years.

Apparently, the remaining 60 members would be drawn from a group of 'experts' such as permanent secretaries and defence chiefs. Then there will be another 12 bishops appointed for reasons that, quite frankly, are totally beyond me.

Unsurprisingly, when Cleggy presented these proposals to the house, they lauged at them. I'm frankly unsurprised. Here's my thoughts on the matter :

Why do we need the Lords at all? It's essentially a revising and advising chamber. That could be just as easily done by expanding the committee system and drafting in experts as needed.

If we insist on keeping it, 300 seems a reasonable figure but disband the thing altogether and elect all the members in one go for 5 years, just like the lower house, and hold the elections simultaneously. Get it all out of the way in one go. And use PR because it gives a better party spread.

And dump the bishops because they're irrelevant to the process of government.

There. Job sorted. So if I can see through all the bullshit, why the hell can't Cleggy?..

The House of Lords

I actually don't think a lot of the House of Lords. As far as I can see it's just full of a load of unelected, jumped up, self opinionated twats like Prescott and Mandleson who are mainly there for the jolly. Or maybe in the light of recent courts cases, for the perks. Or the titles...

Anyway, Cleggy has been given the task of reforming it and just to prove that it's much easier to make sweeping policy statements when you know you have no chance of being in government, a right pigs' breakfast (no pun intended) he's making of it.

There are currently 792 members of the Lords. Yes, I did say 792. That's more than the number of MPs in the lower house. I think anyone would agree that that's a trifle excessive. Cleggy intends to prune this down to 300. And some of them would actually get to be elected. Wow!

Apparently his plan is that 240 of these would be elected using the Limp Dumps favourite method - proportional representation. I think the hope is that once the public see how well PR works, we'll want to use it for MPs?

However, they would be elected for a period of 15 years. Yes, I did say 15 years. This is clearly quite ridiculous. And even better, they will be replacing the existing members over three elections starting in May 2015 - so the full effects won't be in place for thirty years.

Apparently, the remaining 60 members would be drawn from a group of 'experts' such as permanent secretaries and defence chiefs. Then there will be another 12 bishops appointed for reasons that, quite frankly, are totally beyond me.

Unsurprisingly, when Cleggy presented these proposals to the house, they lauged at them. I'm frankly unsurprised. Here's my thoughts on the matter :

Why do we need the Lords at all? It's essentially a revising and advising chamber. That could be just as easily done by expanding the committee system and drafting in experts as needed.

If we insist on keeping it, 300 seems a reasonable figure but disband the thing altogether and elect all the members in one go for 5 years, just like the lower house, and hold the elections simultaneously. Get it all out of the way in one go. And use PR because it gives a better party spread.

And dump the bishops because they're irrelevant to the process of government.

There. Job sorted. So if I can see through all the bullshit, why the hell can't Cleggy?..

War - a fresh perspective

Seems there have been one or two fuck ups lately on the warfare front.

First, Nick Clegg stands up in his first Prime Minister's Questions and describes the Iraq War as 'illegal'. Oh dear. Sharp intakes of breath from the Tories behind him who voted for the war.

It should, however, be remembered that the Lib Dems have always regarded the war as illegal. It should also be remembered that just because someone voted for the war, that didn't make it legal. Show me the dodgy dossier and persuade me that Blair has integrity (difficult in my case), and I might have voted for it. But that still doesn't make it legal - so I reckon fair enough, Cleggy.

Then Call-me-Dave pops across the water to liaise with the great black hope. Unfortunately, he then pisses off the yanks by describing Britain's presence in Iraq as a 'supporting role'. True, but not very palatable. It's America's war, they're fucking it up and we seem to be covering all the difficult stuff. Truth hurts!

But just to show that he's not biased, Dave then pisses off his own veterans by saying that Britain played a junior role in World War II. Well, Dave, that's bollocks because if the Japs hadn't bombed Pearl Harbour we'd still be waiting for the yanks to arrive - just like in the first war.

So, all in all, I reckon that's 2-1 on the war front. Not a great result, but a result nevertheless...

War - a fresh perspective

Seems there have been one or two fuck ups lately on the warfare front.

First, Nick Clegg stands up in his first Prime Minister's Questions and describes the Iraq War as 'illegal'. Oh dear. Sharp intakes of breath from the Tories behind him who voted for the war.

It should, however, be remembered that the Lib Dems have always regarded the war as illegal. It should also be remembered that just because someone voted for the war, that didn't make it legal. Show me the dodgy dossier and persuade me that Blair has integrity (difficult in my case), and I might have voted for it. But that still doesn't make it legal - so I reckon fair enough, Cleggy.

Then Call-me-Dave pops across the water to liaise with the great black hope. Unfortunately, he then pisses off the yanks by describing Britain's presence in Iraq as a 'supporting role'. True, but not very palatable. It's America's war, they're fucking it up and we seem to be covering all the difficult stuff. Truth hurts!

But just to show that he's not biased, Dave then pisses off his own veterans by saying that Britain played a junior role in World War II. Well, Dave, that's bollocks because if the Japs hadn't bombed Pearl Harbour we'd still be waiting for the yanks to arrive - just like in the first war.

So, all in all, I reckon that's 2-1 on the war front. Not a great result, but a result nevertheless...

Nick Clegg - I Dreamed a Dream

Following hot on the heels of Gordon Brown's new song a couple of days ago, boy wonder Nick Clegg - cashing in on on his exposure in the hit TV series "The ElectX Factor" before it fades away - has released a sparkling new 20 track, double CD in time for the May election fest.

The full track listing is as follows :

1. My Way
2. Whatever You Want
3. All or Nothing
4. Everybody's Talking 'bout Me
5. You've Got a Friend
6. The Times They Are a' Changing
7. The Winner Takes It All
8. Whatever You Want
9. Keep the Customer Satisfied
10. Two Tribes
11. I'm Not Like Everybody Else
12. Good Times, Bad Times
13. Down to the Wire
14. Campaigner
15. Let Me Entertain You
16. It's All Over Now
17. Nobody Knows You When You're Down and Out
18. I Dreamed a Dream
19. The Party's Over
20. End of the Line

A copy free with every LibDem vote on May 6th.

Nick Clegg - I Dreamed a Dream

Following hot on the heels of Gordon Brown's new song a couple of days ago, boy wonder Nick Clegg - cashing in on on his exposure in the hit TV series "The ElectX Factor" before it fades away - has released a sparkling new 20 track, double CD in time for the May election fest.

The full track listing is as follows :

1. My Way
2. Whatever You Want
3. All or Nothing
4. Everybody's Talking 'bout Me
5. You've Got a Friend
6. The Times They Are a' Changing
7. The Winner Takes It All
8. Whatever You Want
9. Keep the Customer Satisfied
10. Two Tribes
11. I'm Not Like Everybody Else
12. Good Times, Bad Times
13. Down to the Wire
14. Campaigner
15. Let Me Entertain You
16. It's All Over Now
17. Nobody Knows You When You're Down and Out
18. I Dreamed a Dream
19. The Party's Over
20. End of the Line

A copy free with every LibDem vote on May 6th.

Timing is everything

At last! I have been highly critical over the last few weeks of the lack of policy statements coming out of the Conservative Party.

When this campaign started at the beginning of the year, I understood why David Cameron was reluctant to put detailed policies on paper. Only an idiot would give his opponents the opportunity to steal their policies and present them as their own - and let's be honest, Labour are experts at doing precisely that.

Even in Thursday night's debate, I felt that Cameron did not nail Brown by coming out with concrete promises and guarantees, and consigning the Labour scaremongerng machine to the dustbin of history.

Well, I'm sorry Dave. I apologize. Your leaflet today leaves me in no doubt that I have greatly underestimated you because here it is at last.

I'm also sorry that I waited until today to vote, because like many others I was swayed by the polish and style of the LibDem performance. But while I think the electoral system is wrong, I'm not going to pay for changing it by giving amnesties to illegal immigrants and joining the Euro.

But there is one thing I am not sorry about - watching the death throes of a man who has done more damage to this nation than Hitler. Better start booking the removal van, Gordon - and good riddance!

I am now beginning to really believe that the Labour nightmare is drawing to a close - and frankly I can't wait to see the destruction of Brown by his own party once the voting is over. Never has it been more richly deserved.

My vote is in the post. Now let's get on with sorting this shambles out...

Timing is everything

At last! I have been highly critical over the last few weeks of the lack of policy statements coming out of the Conservative Party.

When this campaign started at the beginning of the year, I understood why David Cameron was reluctant to put detailed policies on paper. Only an idiot would give his opponents the opportunity to steal their policies and present them as their own - and let's be honest, Labour are experts at doing precisely that.

Even in Thursday night's debate, I felt that Cameron did not nail Brown by coming out with concrete promises and guarantees, and consigning the Labour scaremongerng machine to the dustbin of history.

Well, I'm sorry Dave. I apologize. Your leaflet today leaves me in no doubt that I have greatly underestimated you because here it is at last.

I'm also sorry that I waited until today to vote, because like many others I was swayed by the polish and style of the LibDem performance. But while I think the electoral system is wrong, I'm not going to pay for changing it by giving amnesties to illegal immigrants and joining the Euro.

But there is one thing I am not sorry about - watching the death throes of a man who has done more damage to this nation than Hitler. Better start booking the removal van, Gordon - and good riddance!

I am now beginning to really believe that the Labour nightmare is drawing to a close - and frankly I can't wait to see the destruction of Brown by his own party once the voting is over. Never has it been more richly deserved.

My vote is in the post. Now let's get on with sorting this shambles out...

Come clean Cleggy - who ya gonna sleep with?

Tonight's the night of the third debate - but I bet no-one is going to put these questions forward :

To Cameron and Brown : What are you going to promise Nick Clegg to get him in bed with you?

To Nick Clegg : Can you trust either of these buggers to honour their promises?

First it's Labour, then you can't work with Brown, then you can again. It's not inspiring me with confidence...

I think we have a right to have these questions answered before we decide where to put our votes.

And just in case you need a lighter note, here's a cracking litte Clegg song I nicked off YouTube (Thanks to TommyReckless - nice one!)

Come clean Cleggy - who ya gonna sleep with?

Tonight's the night of the third debate - but I bet no-one is going to put these questions forward :

To Cameron and Brown : What are you going to promise Nick Clegg to get him in bed with you?

To Nick Clegg : Can you trust either of these buggers to honour their promises?

First it's Labour, then you can't work with Brown, then you can again. It's not inspiring me with confidence...

I think we have a right to have these questions answered before we decide where to put our votes.

And just in case you need a lighter note, here's a cracking litte Clegg song I nicked off YouTube (Thanks to TommyReckless - nice one!)

Three men in a boat called "Britain"

In the words of a poet called Robert Calvert :

Rowing, rowing,
Going nowhere
What do we care
If we get there?
Rowing, glowing,
Showing such flair
We're three men in a boat.

Three men in a boat called "Britain"

In the words of a poet called Robert Calvert :

Rowing, rowing,
Going nowhere
What do we care
If we get there?
Rowing, glowing,
Showing such flair
We're three men in a boat.

Let's play "Fantasy Government"

In the event of a LabServative Democrat government who would you like to see in the cabinet ?

The rules are simple - people have to be real and alive, but other than that you can have anyone. After all, Gordon does it that way doesn't he? You can give reasons if you like for any or all, serious or satirical.

I will reward a generous prize for the winner. My decision is final. No appeals to the European Court will be allowed. The prize is 10p - so you can use it to phone someone who gives a shit...

Here are my selections for the Fantasy Cabinet. Let's see yours!

Prime Minister : David Cameron (a toff always looks good)
Deputy Prime Minister : Nick Clegg (lost the toss of a coin with Cameron)
Chancellor : Vince Cable (best man in the wrong party in my view)
Foreign Secretary : William Hague (no-one patronises foreigners quite like him)
Home Secretary : Nick Clegg (Labour used this post to keep people out of the way)
Business & Consumer Affairs : Esther Rantzen (obvious choice)
Justice : Norman Lamb (he's actually a lawyer, which I would have thought could be handy)
Environment : Dick Sawbridge (demonstrates practical knowledge in the field)
Transport : Jeremy Clarkson
Defense : John Prescott (no-one would dare attack us with him in charge!)
Speaker : Jeremy Paxman (if Paxo can't get them to shut up, no-one can)
Energy : Simon Hughes (one Nick got right)
Europe : Nigel Farage (talks bollocks, so should fit in well)
Health : Gerry Robinson (Is there actually a doctor in any of the three party teams?)
Pensions : Teresa May (I wanted Barbara Castle, but she's dead and it seems Dave got this one right)
Northern Ireland : Gordon Brown (with luck they may shoot the bugger)
Scotland : Alex Salmond (let's face it, he's got the job anyway)
Wales : John Redwood (did such a good job last time)
Education : David Laws (seems to me Nick got this one right too)
Chief Whip : Peter Mandelson (You need a nasty, sneeky underhand bugger in that job)

What do you think ?

Let's play "Fantasy Government"

In the event of a LabServative Democrat government who would you like to see in the cabinet ?

The rules are simple - people have to be real and alive, but other than that you can have anyone. After all, Gordon does it that way doesn't he? You can give reasons if you like for any or all, serious or satirical.

I will reward a generous prize for the winner. My decision is final. No appeals to the European Court will be allowed. The prize is 10p - so you can use it to phone someone who gives a shit...

Here are my selections for the Fantasy Cabinet. Let's see yours!

Prime Minister : David Cameron (a toff always looks good)
Deputy Prime Minister : Nick Clegg (lost the toss of a coin with Cameron)
Chancellor : Vince Cable (best man in the wrong party in my view)
Foreign Secretary : William Hague (no-one patronises foreigners quite like him)
Home Secretary : Nick Clegg (Labour used this post to keep people out of the way)
Business & Consumer Affairs : Esther Rantzen (obvious choice)
Justice : Norman Lamb (he's actually a lawyer, which I would have thought could be handy)
Environment : Dick Sawbridge (demonstrates practical knowledge in the field)
Transport : Jeremy Clarkson
Defense : John Prescott (no-one would dare attack us with him in charge!)
Speaker : Jeremy Paxman (if Paxo can't get them to shut up, no-one can)
Energy : Simon Hughes (one Nick got right)
Europe : Nigel Farage (talks bollocks, so should fit in well)
Health : Gerry Robinson (Is there actually a doctor in any of the three party teams?)
Pensions : Teresa May (I wanted Barbara Castle, but she's dead and it seems Dave got this one right)
Northern Ireland : Gordon Brown (with luck they may shoot the bugger)
Scotland : Alex Salmond (let's face it, he's got the job anyway)
Wales : John Redwood (did such a good job last time)
Education : David Laws (seems to me Nick got this one right too)
Chief Whip : Peter Mandelson (You need a nasty, sneeky underhand bugger in that job)

What do you think ?

And they're off!... Your guide to the runners and riders in the 2010 General Election Stakes...

With the election looming large for May 6th, there's the Dioclese definitive guide to which horse you should be putting your money on for the big day

They're off! The main hopefuls test out their mounts for the big race...

Tory Tiger ridden by Dave Cameron sired by "Soapbox" out of "Maggie May"  :
From a long line of thoroughbreds and owned by the Eton stables. Came second in it's last three outings but with a new jockey aboard, it's well fancied this time around. Could be a close run thing - watch for a strong finish

Oh My Gawd ridden by Gordon Brown sired by "Tony the Tory" out of "Boom or Bust" :
A well known horse but an untested rider. Owned by a consortium of Trades Unions. Gordon Brown has been around a while. He was a stable lad for "Tony the Tory" but is now getting a ride in his own right for the first time. Was well fancied but recent form has lengthened the odds considerably. Could be tight thing between him and Dave Cameron, although Dave is carrying a lot less weight

Yellow Bird ridden by Nick Clegg sired by "Diddy David" out of "SDP" :
Bit of an outsider this one but could be good for an each way bet. Should finish in the top three. This horse has has lots of different jockies in it's recent outings, but now has a regular rider in Nick Clegg. Form at this outing could decide whether he gets a ride next time.

Jack 'o' the Green ridden by Caroline Lucas sired by "Swampy" out of "Hug a Tree" :
Not well fancied although did show reasonably well in Europe last time out. Female jockey might attract the mums' votes.

HMS Independence ridden my Lord Pearson sired by "Kilroy's Silk" out of "Get Us Out" :
Rank outsider. Recent spats for the ride between Pearson and rival jockey Nigel Farage have done nothing to improve its chances.

Raving Loony ridden by Alan Hope sired by "Screaming Lord" out of "Sutch is Life" :
Lack of any sort of sensible training program takes this one right out of the running. Will probably do well not to finish last, but does get some support from the younger punters. I wouldn't put your money on this one although it always brings a lot of colour to the proceedings...

Rampant Nationalist ridden by Nick Griffin sired by "Skinhead" out of "National Front" :
Not a popular horse this, particularly disliked by the immigrant community due to it's attitude to employing foreigners in the stable. Will undoubtedly make a good show before the race starts, but will fade badly during the running.

One Trick Pony ridden by Esther Rantzen sired by "That's Life" out of "Maggie-the-Moron" :
A new runner from the Luton South stable. Enjoys a lot of local support and could surprise a few people by making a good showing.

Economic Miracle sired by "Tax and Spend" out of "Boom 'n' Bust" :
Still looking for a rider. Could one of the leading jockies dump his ride for this one?

Some of the other declared runners and riders :

Taffy's Pride ridden by Wyn Jones - we don't think he'll 'wyn' this one though!
Tartan Toughie ridden by Alex Salmon - finds the going better north of the border
The Shamrock ridden by Gerry Adams, trained by Martin McGuinness - one of the livelier overseas entries
Archbishop's Canter ridden by Peter Robinson - talks a good fight
Ree-Spect ridden by George Galloway - not one to be taken remotely seriously and could well fail to finish

Non-runners :

The Lobbyist ridden by Geoff Hoon has withdrawn to avoid further embarrassment to the jockey
Terre Blanche will not be running having taken quite a beating recently on it's home course
Mandy is conserving it's strength for the next big race
Kelly's Eye has withdrawn due to the poor performance of it's owner/rider, Ruth Kelly
Duck House ridden by Peter Viggers, due to unforeseen problems with expenses

This promises to be a hard fought race with a big field, but has the potential to be a lot closer than the last three outings especially between the two joint favourites with huge purse money for the winner...

And they're off!... Your guide to the runners and riders in the 2010 General Election Stakes...

With the election looming large for May 6th, there's the Dioclese definitive guide to which horse you should be putting your money on for the big day

They're off! The main hopefuls test out their mounts for the big race...

Tory Tiger ridden by Dave Cameron sired by "Soapbox" out of "Maggie May"  :
From a long line of thoroughbreds and owned by the Eton stables. Came second in it's last three outings but with a new jockey aboard, it's well fancied this time around. Could be a close run thing - watch for a strong finish

Oh My Gawd ridden by Gordon Brown sired by "Tony the Tory" out of "Boom or Bust" :
A well known horse but an untested rider. Owned by a consortium of Trades Unions. Gordon Brown has been around a while. He was a stable lad for "Tony the Tory" but is now getting a ride in his own right for the first time. Was well fancied but recent form has lengthened the odds considerably. Could be tight thing between him and Dave Cameron, although Dave is carrying a lot less weight

Yellow Bird ridden by Nick Clegg sired by "Diddy David" out of "SDP" :
Bit of an outsider this one but could be good for an each way bet. Should finish in the top three. This horse has has lots of different jockies in it's recent outings, but now has a regular rider in Nick Clegg. Form at this outing could decide whether he gets a ride next time.

Jack 'o' the Green ridden by Caroline Lucas sired by "Swampy" out of "Hug a Tree" :
Not well fancied although did show reasonably well in Europe last time out. Female jockey might attract the mums' votes.

HMS Independence ridden my Lord Pearson sired by "Kilroy's Silk" out of "Get Us Out" :
Rank outsider. Recent spats for the ride between Pearson and rival jockey Nigel Farage have done nothing to improve its chances.

Raving Loony ridden by Alan Hope sired by "Screaming Lord" out of "Sutch is Life" :
Lack of any sort of sensible training program takes this one right out of the running. Will probably do well not to finish last, but does get some support from the younger punters. I wouldn't put your money on this one although it always brings a lot of colour to the proceedings...

Rampant Nationalist ridden by Nick Griffin sired by "Skinhead" out of "National Front" :
Not a popular horse this, particularly disliked by the immigrant community due to it's attitude to employing foreigners in the stable. Will undoubtedly make a good show before the race starts, but will fade badly during the running.

One Trick Pony ridden by Esther Rantzen sired by "That's Life" out of "Maggie-the-Moron" :
A new runner from the Luton South stable. Enjoys a lot of local support and could surprise a few people by making a good showing.

Economic Miracle sired by "Tax and Spend" out of "Boom 'n' Bust" :
Still looking for a rider. Could one of the leading jockies dump his ride for this one?

Some of the other declared runners and riders :

Taffy's Pride ridden by Wyn Jones - we don't think he'll 'wyn' this one though!
Tartan Toughie ridden by Alex Salmon - finds the going better north of the border
The Shamrock ridden by Gerry Adams, trained by Martin McGuinness - one of the livelier overseas entries
Archbishop's Canter ridden by Peter Robinson - talks a good fight
Ree-Spect ridden by George Galloway - not one to be taken remotely seriously and could well fail to finish

Non-runners :

The Lobbyist ridden by Geoff Hoon has withdrawn to avoid further embarrassment to the jockey
Terre Blanche will not be running having taken quite a beating recently on it's home course
Mandy is conserving it's strength for the next big race
Kelly's Eye has withdrawn due to the poor performance of it's owner/rider, Ruth Kelly
Duck House ridden by Peter Viggers, due to unforeseen problems with expenses

This promises to be a hard fought race with a big field, but has the potential to be a lot closer than the last three outings especially between the two joint favourites with huge purse money for the winner...