The bastards at the FA...

This is a somewhat unusual post for me, because as my regular reader will tell you, I don't have a lot of time for sport and have even less time for football. Basically, I reckon it's just surrogate tribal warefare acted out by a load of overpaid, egotistical nancy boys kicking a ball round a patch of grass...

So why am I writing this?

Well, the last football match I went to was when Leeds United played Wimbledon in the semi-final of the FA cup. And that was a long time ago. Before I grew up. In those days I used to be a Leeds supporter and I lived in Wimbledon and my wife worked for the chairman of Crystal Palace so we got tickets to Selhurst Park to watch the game. But I digress...

When Wimbledon built on their success and got into the league, and then worked their way up the divisions, it was all very exciting. Then - as often happens in football - their balls went to their heads, so to speak.

Now I am the first to admit that the old Plough Lane ground was, frankly, a bit of a shit hole and far to small for the club as it grew more successful. So what did the arseholes in the Wimbledon boardroom do to rewards all their loyal fans? They relocated the club to Milton Keynes and renamed it MK Dons. A fucking stupid thing to do if there ever was one.

This understandably pissed the real Wimbledon fans off no end, so they they thought 'Bugger them . We'll start another club and do it all again." Good for them!

Now enter the aforementioned bastards at the FA. "Resurrecting the club from its ashes as, say, Wimbledon Town, is not in the wider interests of football" according to the FA commission. It was a blooody silly thing to say, but it did the new club a world of good because it pissed them off so much that they got promoted 6 times in 9 seasons.

At the end of last month, Wimbledon AFC were promoted again and this time it was into the football league. Their manager, Terry Brown, summed it all up beautifully when he said "As much as anything it's good to give the FA a bloody nose."

Too bloody true, Terry, but then I always reckoned FA stood for Fucking Arseholes...

The bastards at the FA...

This is a somewhat unusual post for me, because as my regular reader will tell you, I don't have a lot of time for sport and have even less time for football. Basically, I reckon it's just surrogate tribal warefare acted out by a load of overpaid, egotistical nancy boys kicking a ball round a patch of grass...

So why am I writing this?

Well, the last football match I went to was when Leeds United played Wimbledon in the semi-final of the FA cup. And that was a long time ago. Before I grew up. In those days I used to be a Leeds supporter and I lived in Wimbledon and my wife worked for the chairman of Crystal Palace so we got tickets to Selhurst Park to watch the game. But I digress...

When Wimbledon built on their success and got into the league, and then worked their way up the divisions, it was all very exciting. Then - as often happens in football - their balls went to their heads, so to speak.

Now I am the first to admit that the old Plough Lane ground was, frankly, a bit of a shit hole and far to small for the club as it grew more successful. So what did the arseholes in the Wimbledon boardroom do to rewards all their loyal fans? They relocated the club to Milton Keynes and renamed it MK Dons. A fucking stupid thing to do if there ever was one.

This understandably pissed the real Wimbledon fans off no end, so they they thought 'Bugger them . We'll start another club and do it all again." Good for them!

Now enter the aforementioned bastards at the FA. "Resurrecting the club from its ashes as, say, Wimbledon Town, is not in the wider interests of football" according to the FA commission. It was a blooody silly thing to say, but it did the new club a world of good because it pissed them off so much that they got promoted 6 times in 9 seasons.

At the end of last month, Wimbledon AFC were promoted again and this time it was into the football league. Their manager, Terry Brown, summed it all up beautifully when he said "As much as anything it's good to give the FA a bloody nose."

Too bloody true, Terry, but then I always reckoned FA stood for Fucking Arseholes...

Spot the bomb

As my regular reader will know by now, I am not a great football fan.

I don't actually dislike football. In a former life I used to go to the local club and enjoy a game from the side lines, or in the all-seater stand (50 seats and a corregated tin roof).

I have a friend who is a consultant psychlogist. When I suggested to him that football was basically tribal warfare by surrogate - a view for which I have been mocked over the year - he amazed me by saying : "Exactly!"

Now I have no problem with supporters cheering on their sides at matches. To each his own. However, the last big game I went to was Leeds United against Wimbledon in the semi final of the FA cup at Selhurst Park after they drew at their first meeting.

I was in the back of the stand from where I could get perfect view of a patch of green with some coloured dots moving around on it. I totally could not see the point. You get a much better view on TV, and if you blink you don't miss the goal - not that I could actually see as far the goal from where I was sitting! Anyone prepared to pay £50 for this is, in my humble opinion, nuts.

But not as nuts as the bastard who sent three parcel bombs to Glasgow Rangers Celtic.

Surrogate warfare is fine in it's place, but this drags football down to an all time low. The bastard should be strung up.

...or we could just introduce a real game of Rollerball or Death Race?

Spot the bomb

As my regular reader will know by now, I am not a great football fan.

I don't actually dislike football. In a former life I used to go to the local club and enjoy a game from the side lines, or in the all-seater stand (50 seats and a corregated tin roof).

I have a friend who is a consultant psychlogist. When I suggested to him that football was basically tribal warfare by surrogate - a view for which I have been mocked over the year - he amazed me by saying : "Exactly!"

Now I have no problem with supporters cheering on their sides at matches. To each his own. However, the last big game I went to was Leeds United against Wimbledon in the semi final of the FA cup at Selhurst Park after they drew at their first meeting.

I was in the back of the stand from where I could get perfect view of a patch of green with some coloured dots moving around on it. I totally could not see the point. You get a much better view on TV, and if you blink you don't miss the goal - not that I could actually see as far the goal from where I was sitting! Anyone prepared to pay £50 for this is, in my humble opinion, nuts.

But not as nuts as the bastard who sent three parcel bombs to Glasgow Rangers Celtic.

Surrogate warfare is fine in it's place, but this drags football down to an all time low. The bastard should be strung up.

...or we could just introduce a real game of Rollerball or Death Race?

Chelsea and Arsenal go head to head

So, is it going to be Wenger or Ancelotti? Who's going to win the title?

No not THAT title!

Who is going to winning the title of "Britain's most boring man"?

Christ, every time I switch on the TV these days there's some boring bastard twittering on about the beautiful game of two halves. Having said that, these two are in a class of their own and in my view deserve an award for making watching paint dry look interesting.

Here's some gems :

"Well, you know, it was a game that anyone cound have won" - well, not me obviously because I wasn't playing.

"They are a good team and it will be a tight game because we are a good team too" - Jolly good!

"If we play as well as we can play then you know we can win unless they play better than us" - no shit, Sherlock

FFS, no wonder I always take the "Match of the Day" music as a signal to go to bed...

Chelsea and Arsenal go head to head

So, is it going to be Wenger or Ancelotti? Who's going to win the title?

No not THAT title!

Who is going to winning the title of "Britain's most boring man"?

Christ, every time I switch on the TV these days there's some boring bastard twittering on about the beautiful game of two halves. Having said that, these two are in a class of their own and in my view deserve an award for making watching paint dry look interesting.

Here's some gems :

"Well, you know, it was a game that anyone cound have won" - well, not me obviously because I wasn't playing.

"They are a good team and it will be a tight game because we are a good team too" - Jolly good!

"If we play as well as we can play then you know we can win unless they play better than us" - no shit, Sherlock

FFS, no wonder I always take the "Match of the Day" music as a signal to go to bed...

Never mind the bankers...

While we were all getting worked up about the size of bankers' bonuses and whether or not these represented the payment of obscene amounts of money, we seem to have been taking our eye off the ball...(pun intended)

Monday last week marked the closure of the football transfer window, and some of the sums of money changing hands made bankers' bonuses look like petty cash!

Last year, Chelsea reported a loss of around £70 million, and yet they were able to pay £50 million to 'buy' Fernando Torres from Liverpool and £20 million for Benfica's David Luiz.

This was of course payrolled by Roman Abramovitz whose estimated fortune is around $11,200,000,000 which is a lot of wonga in any currency. I worked out that at the UK's paultry interest rates, that could earn him around £100 million a year in a building society! So let's face it, £70 million is nothing to him!

But does this make it right?

My regular reader will know that I am not a football fan. In fact, I consider it to be a boring game which is just a surrogate for tribal warfare. Nevertheless, even if I was the greatest fan in the world I would have to question whether you could ever justify paying £50 million plus an huge salary just to employ a bloke to kick a ball around a field. On that basis, what's a consultant surgeon worth?

This week, the European FA issued a statement saying that it was considering barring any club who posted a loss three years in a row from playing in the Champion's League. On that basis, Chelsea would be ineligible. Almost immediately on this being pointed out, they modified the statement to 'any club which was insolvent' which would let Chelsea back in because of it's sugar daddy owner.

And who says money doesn't talk.

But the most obscene thing about all this is that these ridiculous transfer figures can only result in one thing : higher ticket prices. So at the end of the day, it's the ordinary fan who loses out...

Never mind the bankers...

While we were all getting worked up about the size of bankers' bonuses and whether or not these represented the payment of obscene amounts of money, we seem to have been taking our eye off the ball...(pun intended)

Monday last week marked the closure of the football transfer window, and some of the sums of money changing hands made bankers' bonuses look like petty cash!

Last year, Chelsea reported a loss of around £70 million, and yet they were able to pay £50 million to 'buy' Fernando Torres from Liverpool and £20 million for Benfica's David Luiz.

This was of course payrolled by Roman Abramovitz whose estimated fortune is around $11,200,000,000 which is a lot of wonga in any currency. I worked out that at the UK's paultry interest rates, that could earn him around £100 million a year in a building society! So let's face it, £70 million is nothing to him!

But does this make it right?

My regular reader will know that I am not a football fan. In fact, I consider it to be a boring game which is just a surrogate for tribal warfare. Nevertheless, even if I was the greatest fan in the world I would have to question whether you could ever justify paying £50 million plus an huge salary just to employ a bloke to kick a ball around a field. On that basis, what's a consultant surgeon worth?

This week, the European FA issued a statement saying that it was considering barring any club who posted a loss three years in a row from playing in the Champion's League. On that basis, Chelsea would be ineligible. Almost immediately on this being pointed out, they modified the statement to 'any club which was insolvent' which would let Chelsea back in because of it's sugar daddy owner.

And who says money doesn't talk.

But the most obscene thing about all this is that these ridiculous transfer figures can only result in one thing : higher ticket prices. So at the end of the day, it's the ordinary fan who loses out...

2018 : The nation is gutted



The three stooges : Beckham, Wills and Cameron in Zurich

Every household in the nation was gutted last night as it was announced that England will not be hosting the 2018 FIFA World Cup.

Well, no actually. That's bollocks...

Mrs D and I heaved a hefty sigh of relief when we found that this monumental waste of time, effort and money will not be coming to our shores. Indeed, when it was announced that we only got two votes - frankly one more than I expected - we almost found an excuse to crack open the bottle of Bolly that's languishing in my kitchen cupboard waiting for an excuse to be drunk!

And there's even more bollocks to be found. Here's some reactions :

"This decision has cost the UK about £4 billion." Bollocks! More likely it's saved us 7 or 8. Just look at the bill for the bloody Olympics.

"We need to have an enquiry into the state of English football." Bollocks! The opposition is jumping on the bandwagon. We don't need an enquiry - we're just no fucking good at the game.

"FIFA are sending a message to the world about where they want the World Cup." Bollocks! That's why they had an announcement yesterday, you prat!

"It's desperately sad." Bollocks, Dave! It's a bloody relief you don't have to spend all that money you keep telling us we don't have.

"The BBC didn't do us any favours." Bollocks! The BBC did us a huge great bloody favour!

And why did Russia get the World Cup?

Well, they probably know more about corruption than just about anyone else on the planet, so it's obvious : we simply didn't offer a big enough bribe...

2018 : The nation is gutted



The three stooges : Beckham, Wills and Cameron in Zurich

Every household in the nation was gutted last night as it was announced that England will not be hosting the 2018 FIFA World Cup.

Well, no actually. That's bollocks...

Mrs D and I heaved a hefty sigh of relief when we found that this monumental waste of time, effort and money will not be coming to our shores. Indeed, when it was announced that we only got two votes - frankly one more than I expected - we almost found an excuse to crack open the bottle of Bolly that's languishing in my kitchen cupboard waiting for an excuse to be drunk!

And there's even more bollocks to be found. Here's some reactions :

"This decision has cost the UK about £4 billion." Bollocks! More likely it's saved us 7 or 8. Just look at the bill for the bloody Olympics.

"We need to have an enquiry into the state of English football." Bollocks! The opposition is jumping on the bandwagon. We don't need an enquiry - we're just no fucking good at the game.

"FIFA are sending a message to the world about where they want the World Cup." Bollocks! That's why they had an announcement yesterday, you prat!

"It's desperately sad." Bollocks, Dave! It's a bloody relief you don't have to spend all that money you keep telling us we don't have.

"The BBC didn't do us any favours." Bollocks! The BBC did us a huge great bloody favour!

And why did Russia get the World Cup?

Well, they probably know more about corruption than just about anyone else on the planet, so it's obvious : we simply didn't offer a big enough bribe...

Oh Shit! It's the 2018 World Cup!

Just when you thought is was all over for another four years and you were coming to terms with yet another boring football season being foisted upon us, news this week that the FIFA inspectors have arrived to inspect England's facilities in connection with their 2018 World Cup bid.

Frankly, I can't believe that having successfully bid for an Olympics that we have no money to pay for, that discreditted load of shitbags known as the Brown government has dropped us in it for another load of pretentious, unaffordable flag waving.

It's time this country came to terms with the fact that we don't actually have any money - something the coalition keeps ramming home. So where exactly is the money going to come from to pay for this load of gobshite!?

And if you want any more evidence that this was thought up by a load of fucking idiots, take a look at the picture above - 3 cunts for the price of one!

Oh Shit! It's the 2018 World Cup!

Just when you thought is was all over for another four years and you were coming to terms with yet another boring football season being foisted upon us, news this week that the FIFA inspectors have arrived to inspect England's facilities in connection with their 2018 World Cup bid.

Frankly, I can't believe that having successfully bid for an Olympics that we have no money to pay for, that discreditted load of shitbags known as the Brown government has dropped us in it for another load of pretentious, unaffordable flag waving.

It's time this country came to terms with the fact that we don't actually have any money - something the coalition keeps ramming home. So where exactly is the money going to come from to pay for this load of gobshite!?

And if you want any more evidence that this was thought up by a load of fucking idiots, take a look at the picture above - 3 cunts for the price of one!

Oh Shit! It's the football season...

Dear God, how I hate football! But here it is again, so I suppose I'll just have to grin and bear it.

Anyway, here's what it's all about :

Oh Shit! It's the football season...

Dear God, how I hate football! But here it is again, so I suppose I'll just have to grin and bear it.

Anyway, here's what it's all about :

Anyone for a blow job?

There are thousands of disappointed football fans in the Netherlands.

"But of course there are!" I hear you say. "They lost the World Cup Final."

Ah - but that's not all. Dutch porn star Bobbi Eden offered to give all her Twitter followers oral sex if they won. But they didn't...

Prior to the match, Eden wrote: "If Netherlands wins the worldcup I will give a BJ to all my followers." After some quizzed her about the offer, she confirmed "I will give them a free Blow Job :)... It is real! BJ for all followers."

"Details on how to collect your Blow Job will be given on Monday after the worldcup final! Go team BJ... My body is throbbing with all the excitement!"

After making the offer, Eden could claim over 64,688 Twitter followers, up from 4,804 the day before.

That's a lot of disappointed Dutchmen...

Anyone for a blow job?

There are thousands of disappointed football fans in the Netherlands.

"But of course there are!" I hear you say. "They lost the World Cup Final."

Ah - but that's not all. Dutch porn star Bobbi Eden offered to give all her Twitter followers oral sex if they won. But they didn't...

Prior to the match, Eden wrote: "If Netherlands wins the worldcup I will give a BJ to all my followers." After some quizzed her about the offer, she confirmed "I will give them a free Blow Job :)... It is real! BJ for all followers."

"Details on how to collect your Blow Job will be given on Monday after the worldcup final! Go team BJ... My body is throbbing with all the excitement!"

After making the offer, Eden could claim over 64,688 Twitter followers, up from 4,804 the day before.

That's a lot of disappointed Dutchmen...

10 things you didn't know about a vuvuzela

To celebrate the impending return of our great football team after we lose this afternoon's match, here's my list of interesting facts about the vuvuzela :
1. It's exactly 1 metre long (about 3'3")
   
2. It comes in two different lengths
   
3. The shorter horn is 58cm long and is tuned to B flat
   
4. It's totally silent - you use a brass instrument technique of blowing through compressed lips to create a buzz
   
5. It was discovered by accident by a bloke blowing a bicycle horn with the rubber bulb removed
   
6. The first vuvuzela was made of aluminium but was banned from matches as it was considered a dangerous weapon!
   
7. The sound level of the instrument has been measured at 127 decibels
   
8. Its also called a "lepatata" (its Tswana name)
   
9. They have been associated with permanent noise-induced hearing loss
   
10. They spread colds and flu viruses on a greater scale than coughing or shouting
    
    As I live near my local football ground and parking is a nightmare on match days (despite the fact the there are no parking notices in our road), so if they drive away supporters from outside my house then I WANT ONE

+ + + + LATE NEWS + + + +
They've been banned at Wimbledon! (Which is a shame as they would have drowned out the grunting!)

10 things you didn't know about a vuvuzela

To celebrate the impending return of our great football team after we lose this afternoon's match, here's my list of interesting facts about the vuvuzela :
1. It's exactly 1 metre long (about 3'3")
   
2. It comes in two different lengths
   
3. The shorter horn is 58cm long and is tuned to B flat
   
4. It's totally silent - you use a brass instrument technique of blowing through compressed lips to create a buzz
   
5. It was discovered by accident by a bloke blowing a bicycle horn with the rubber bulb removed
   
6. The first vuvuzela was made of aluminium but was banned from matches as it was considered a dangerous weapon!
   
7. The sound level of the instrument has been measured at 127 decibels
   
8. Its also called a "lepatata" (its Tswana name)
   
9. They have been associated with permanent noise-induced hearing loss
   
10. They spread colds and flu viruses on a greater scale than coughing or shouting
    
    As I live near my local football ground and parking is a nightmare on match days (despite the fact the there are no parking notices in our road), so if they drive away supporters from outside my house then I WANT ONE

+ + + + LATE NEWS + + + +
They've been banned at Wimbledon! (Which is a shame as they would have drowned out the grunting!)

Football - Time for new rules?

It seems to me that the whole game of football has become rather staid and boring and we could do with a fresh look at the rules....

The great Ball Court in the Mayan city of Chichen Itza

As you know, I rather fail to see the entire point of this daft game, so I have had a look back at the way it all started. The Mayans, Tolceks and Aztecs of central and south America seem to have invented it, not us Brits as we have always claimed...

The Mayans used a rubber ball about 20" in diameter. The game was played on a court with sloping walls and two stone rings. Two teams played against each other. The object of the game was to get the ball through the opponents' ring without touching it with your hands.

It was common for the captain of the losing team to be de-capitated and for his head to be used as the core for the new ball.

Stephen Gerrard take note...

Football - Time for new rules?

It seems to me that the whole game of football has become rather staid and boring and we could do with a fresh look at the rules....

The great Ball Court in the Mayan city of Chichen Itza

As you know, I rather fail to see the entire point of this daft game, so I have had a look back at the way it all started. The Mayans, Tolceks and Aztecs of central and south America seem to have invented it, not us Brits as we have always claimed...

The Mayans used a rubber ball about 20" in diameter. The game was played on a court with sloping walls and two stone rings. Two teams played against each other. The object of the game was to get the ball through the opponents' ring without touching it with your hands.

It was common for the captain of the losing team to be de-capitated and for his head to be used as the core for the new ball.

Stephen Gerrard take note...