My old Dad used to have a saying : "Give some people your arse and shit through your ribs, and they still wouldn't be happy..."
I like to think of myself as a one of life's fairly happy types (No, really). But some poeple go through life with a face like a slapped arse. The sun is too fierce. It's raining, where's the sun? The music's too loud. I can't hear anything. You get the picture....
There was a woman on our ship who looked like she's just swallowed a pint of vinegar. Jesus, was she a miserable bastard! Never mind water into wine, she could turn wine into vinegar just by looking at it. We nicknamed her Morticia after the character in the Munsters because, unfortunatey for her, she had the same white streak in her black hair. The poison dwarf accompanying her we called Lurch. Neither of them ever smiled, but at least they kept to themselves...
When we got to Tahiti, we chucked a load of people off and got some fresh victims passengers. At dinner the first night, we were joined by an old biddy that we had sailed with once before. Christ, was she a miserable old bastard!
She got off to a flying start by telling me that she thought the captain on our previous trip - who had become a personal friend of ours - was fucking useless. Needless to say when I told her of our relationship and that I totally disagreed, that did nothing to put her off her stride.
Her next trick was to complain about the anchor noise in her forward cabin and insist on being moved to a different - and more expesive, of course - cabin. When this didn't swing it, she complained that her toilet was broken and that the bathroom smelt of piss. I may be wrong, but I seem to remember she had a similar problem on the previous trip? I told her exactly what I thought of her and, thankfully, she refused to talk to me after that.
But if you really want to see a bunch of miserable cunts, then go to Aitutaki for an hour's lagoon cruise in open boats followed by a beach barbeque - all in the middle of a relentless tropical downpour. That really sorts out the men from the boys...
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