93 Men in a Boat : (1) The Crashing Bore

As my regular reader will be aware, I have just spent the last last five weeks swanning across the Pacific from Easter Island to Fiji.

I have done this in the presence of a microcosm of Society and thought I would like to share with you my insights into the interesting types I have been spending time with - or, to be honest, avoiding!

(Actually there were 94 of us in the boat - but who's counting?)

First, we had a few examples of that most fascinating of English and, indeed, Scottish stereotypes : "The Crashing Bore."

The first one buttonholed me whilst we were still in the airport at Santiago. He was a retired university administrator. He had two topics of conversation, namely work (from which he had retired 10 years previously), and railways. Frankly, I couldn't have given a flying fuck how re re-organised the university communications department, or how he used to administer his vehicle fleet, or how he built a model railway from scratch in his garden shed. I cared even less after the lecture was delivered for the fifth time!

Then there was the Scottish golf bore who wore a stupid hat, an even more stupid shirt and bore a striking resemblance to Cosmo Smallpiece. Oh, and he used to get pissed quite a lot as well. He droned on and on about how he marshaled the 17th at St Andrews in 1976, clearly the one 'interesting' thing he ever did in his tedious little life. People avoided studiously allowing him to sit with them at dinner. One afternoon, I watched in amazement as the person he was boring actually fell asleep! He failed to notice...

But the most outstanding examples were the Samoan genealogy bores. His wife would ramble endlessly on about how her husband's ancestor jumped ship in Samoa in order to shag the arse of a local dusky maiden and how they were staying on in Samoa to visit distant relatives. She told me this story twice having clearly forgotten that she had already told me once - and there was no stopping her. Then I had to listen to her telling someone else. And after we had all died of boredom? Well, she did it all again - with photographs! Dozens of them!

By the time we actually got to Samoa, I was already sick of the place!

But to all these people and their like, I would like to give just a few simple words of advice :

Get over yourself and get a life, because no-one gives a fuck...