Tow away zone...

New rules are now in force to attempt to force uninsured drivers off the road...

The DVLA have installed a new computer system to check the insurance database against the Statutory Off Road Notification (SORN) database. It is now illegal to keep a vehicle on your drive or in a field without a SORN.

The computer will automatically issue warning letters, £100 penalties and can even tell the local plod to immobilise the vehicle, tow it away or even crush it. So, if you are motorist who hasn't taxed or insured his vehicle and hasn't filled in a SORN, then be afraid. Be very afraid.

In fact, if you own a vehicle at all, then be afraid!

Why?

Well, because in my long experience of working on computer systems for the government, they are completely incapable of writing a specification or controlling a contractor to write the software properly. Expect fines to be issued to innocent people, expect vehicles to be towed away that are properly taxed and insured, and expect guilty people to be totally missed and get away scot free. Trail by computer is an inherently bad idea.

In any case, people who break the law will continue to break the law. I remember once meeting a minicab driver who was given a twelve month ban for drunk driving. He was still driving his minicab. When I asked him why, he simply said that he needed to earn a living and that the vehicle didn't drive any differently just because he didn't have a piece of paper.

The idea is a step in the right, but even in the unlikely event that they get the system to work properly, it ain't gonna work.

Remember, you heard it here frst...

Tow away zone...

New rules are now in force to attempt to force uninsured drivers off the road...

The DVLA have installed a new computer system to check the insurance database against the Statutory Off Road Notification (SORN) database. It is now illegal to keep a vehicle on your drive or in a field without a SORN.

The computer will automatically issue warning letters, £100 penalties and can even tell the local plod to immobilise the vehicle, tow it away or even crush it. So, if you are motorist who hasn't taxed or insured his vehicle and hasn't filled in a SORN, then be afraid. Be very afraid.

In fact, if you own a vehicle at all, then be afraid!

Why?

Well, because in my long experience of working on computer systems for the government, they are completely incapable of writing a specification or controlling a contractor to write the software properly. Expect fines to be issued to innocent people, expect vehicles to be towed away that are properly taxed and insured, and expect guilty people to be totally missed and get away scot free. Trail by computer is an inherently bad idea.

In any case, people who break the law will continue to break the law. I remember once meeting a minicab driver who was given a twelve month ban for drunk driving. He was still driving his minicab. When I asked him why, he simply said that he needed to earn a living and that the vehicle didn't drive any differently just because he didn't have a piece of paper.

The idea is a step in the right, but even in the unlikely event that they get the system to work properly, it ain't gonna work.

Remember, you heard it here frst...

Pointless technology : The Chromebook

Just once in a while, a product comes along where you think "What the fuck where they thinking when they designed that?"

The Google Chromebook is just such a product...

Now I'm all in favour of a laptop that boots up a little bit quicker than the 5 odd minutes my XP machine takes but, to be honest, it does give me time to make a cup of tea while it starts up and, when it's actually running, it does do the things that I want it to do.

The Chromebook on the other hand, doesn't. Let's look at some of the 'advantages' that are claimed for it :

"Chromebooks are always connected to internet." Well that might be true for you, but frankly where I live - which is not in the middle of nowhere - I think we need to add "provided there is a connection, otherwise you can't use it!"

"Your apps, documents, and settings are stored safely in the cloud" because there's no hard drive to keep them on. See comment above and, let's be honest, do you really want all you data stored on someone else's hard drive?

"Software updates itself" just like with Microsoft updates - which is why mine is disabled!

On top of all this there is no USB port and no printer driver. It comes with a card slot and 16Gb of solid state memory. If it's not on an app, then it doesn't run. No spreadsheets, no word processing. It won't run movies or play music. There's minimal storage except on the web. If you want to print anything, then you need an internet connected printer - and we've all got one of those!

And, of course, all the apps have to be obtained from Google.

As far as I can see, you can get a pretty good laptop, an iPad or a good NetBook for about the same price - so what's the point of it? It's a bit like an iPhone that doesn't make phone calls!

So if you want to impress your friends that you have the latest gadget and don't actually want to do any computing, then this is the perfect product for you...

Pointless technology : The Chromebook

Just once in a while, a product comes along where you think "What the fuck where they thinking when they designed that?"

The Google Chromebook is just such a product...

Now I'm all in favour of a laptop that boots up a little bit quicker than the 5 odd minutes my XP machine takes but, to be honest, it does give me time to make a cup of tea while it starts up and, when it's actually running, it does do the things that I want it to do.

The Chromebook on the other hand, doesn't. Let's look at some of the 'advantages' that are claimed for it :

"Chromebooks are always connected to internet." Well that might be true for you, but frankly where I live - which is not in the middle of nowhere - I think we need to add "provided there is a connection, otherwise you can't use it!"

"Your apps, documents, and settings are stored safely in the cloud" because there's no hard drive to keep them on. See comment above and, let's be honest, do you really want all you data stored on someone else's hard drive?

"Software updates itself" just like with Microsoft updates - which is why mine is disabled!

On top of all this there is no USB port and no printer driver. It comes with a card slot and 16Gb of solid state memory. If it's not on an app, then it doesn't run. No spreadsheets, no word processing. It won't run movies or play music. There's minimal storage except on the web. If you want to print anything, then you need an internet connected printer - and we've all got one of those!

And, of course, all the apps have to be obtained from Google.

As far as I can see, you can get a pretty good laptop, an iPad or a good NetBook for about the same price - so what's the point of it? It's a bit like an iPhone that doesn't make phone calls!

So if you want to impress your friends that you have the latest gadget and don't actually want to do any computing, then this is the perfect product for you...

The Electronic Wallet

Are you havin' a larf?!?

I have just been bullied by my local U3A into paying my subs by standing order because they don't want to accept cheques because they are being phased out 'in the near future'.

Follow that by only being able to access my bank by Internet to set this up and then being forced to have a mobile phone so they can text me a confirmation code and my piss is beginning to boil.

And then I turn on the 'Click' programme on the BBC to be confronted by some asshole telling me that the new generation of phones is going to replace just about everything. Apparently, it will hold money and act as a credit card - using, God help us, 'contactless technology'. Then they are saying it will act as our car keys and house keys, and God knows what else. 'The complete electronic wallet is coming soon' they tell us.

Well, that's fine for geeks, but lets look at it from a practical point of view. 'Everyone has a mobile phone' they say. Well, no actually. Mrs D doesn't have one and won't even use mine. I have a basic pay as you go that I bought 10 years ago when I was working and agents used to ring me about contracts.

The only reason I don't bin it is because I have a 16 year old car and I keep it in the glove box in case I break down. Otherwise I would have no use for it.

Two years ago, I out £10 on it - and I still have £4.36 in credit.

So, I am out with my electronic wallet and the battery fails, or someone nicks it, or I lose it, or - shurely not - it just stops working. That leaves me no car keys, no house keys, no money, no credit card and, of course, no way of ringing anyone for help.

Like the NHS computer system, it's a turkey that will never fly...

The Electronic Wallet

Are you havin' a larf?!?

I have just been bullied by my local U3A into paying my subs by standing order because they don't want to accept cheques because they are being phased out 'in the near future'.

Follow that by only being able to access my bank by Internet to set this up and then being forced to have a mobile phone so they can text me a confirmation code and my piss is beginning to boil.

And then I turn on the 'Click' programme on the BBC to be confronted by some asshole telling me that the new generation of phones is going to replace just about everything. Apparently, it will hold money and act as a credit card - using, God help us, 'contactless technology'. Then they are saying it will act as our car keys and house keys, and God knows what else. 'The complete electronic wallet is coming soon' they tell us.

Well, that's fine for geeks, but lets look at it from a practical point of view. 'Everyone has a mobile phone' they say. Well, no actually. Mrs D doesn't have one and won't even use mine. I have a basic pay as you go that I bought 10 years ago when I was working and agents used to ring me about contracts.

The only reason I don't bin it is because I have a 16 year old car and I keep it in the glove box in case I break down. Otherwise I would have no use for it.

Two years ago, I out £10 on it - and I still have £4.36 in credit.

So, I am out with my electronic wallet and the battery fails, or someone nicks it, or I lose it, or - shurely not - it just stops working. That leaves me no car keys, no house keys, no money, no credit card and, of course, no way of ringing anyone for help.

Like the NHS computer system, it's a turkey that will never fly...

The NHS computer system

Back last year, I wrote a piece about totally crap software and how the government is totally incapable of specifying an IT system and is much less capable of delivering the project within budget and time scales, so it comes as no surprise to find that the latest multi-billion pound white elephant is to be subjected to yet another review.

One of the major problems with commissioning work from third party contractors is that there is no incentive to deliver the system. Every time the spec changes - which happens with government work continually - the price changes and, of course, if it doesn't work properly after delivery then there is the endless debate about what is and isn't chargeable. I liken it to driving your shiny new BMW off the forecourt only to find it breaks down 50 yards up the road and then being told you will be charged to fix it because it wasn't being driven properly.

The National Audit Office started to suspect this thing wasn't going to fly as long ago as August 2004 as you can see from their typically understated concerns here on the BBC website. In February 2007, the Daily Telegraph decided that it was doomed to failure and quoted senior sources at Fujitsu - one of the major suppliers - as voicing concern at the direction of the NHS programme and the lack of vision on how the health service can make best use of new technology.

"What we are trying to do is run an enormous programme with the techniques that we are absolutely familiar with for running small projects. And it isn't working. And it isn't going to work," he told his audience.

As with all things of this nature, there comes a time when the contractor and the government aren't going to agree and,as, usual, the government is going to blame the people who actually know what they are talking about so in May 2008, Fujitsu were fired. At this stage the project was already four years behind schedule.
So far the costs had escalated from £6.7 billion to £12 billion with worse news still to come when in January 2009, the Guardian reported that the system was on brink of failure, something which should cone as no surprise as some people had been on record as saying this for years. However, the issue refused to lay quietly around and die as hundreds of junior doctors were having their job applications screwed up!
 
So here we are in 2011, and the costs are now estimated at £20 billion and, according to the BBC, "things are getting worse"

The response? Well, the government announced there will be a review of the project. This is due to start this week.

Tory MP Richard Bacon, a member of the House of Commons' Public Accounts Committee and long-standing critic of the plans, said: "It is perfectly clear that throwing more money at the problem will not work. This turkey will never fly and it is time the Department of Health faced reality and channelled the remaining funds into something useful that will actually benefit patients. The largest civilian IT project in the world has failed."

But the Department of Health said while the original vision "was flawed", the project still had the potential to deliver value for money.

Yeah, right...

The NHS computer system

Back last year, I wrote a piece about totally crap software and how the government is totally incapable of specifying an IT system and is much less capable of delivering the project within budget and time scales, so it comes as no surprise to find that the latest multi-billion pound white elephant is to be subjected to yet another review.

One of the major problems with commissioning work from third party contractors is that there is no incentive to deliver the system. Every time the spec changes - which happens with government work continually - the price changes and, of course, if it doesn't work properly after delivery then there is the endless debate about what is and isn't chargeable. I liken it to driving your shiny new BMW off the forecourt only to find it breaks down 50 yards up the road and then being told you will be charged to fix it because it wasn't being driven properly.

The National Audit Office started to suspect this thing wasn't going to fly as long ago as August 2004 as you can see from their typically understated concerns here on the BBC website. In February 2007, the Daily Telegraph decided that it was doomed to failure and quoted senior sources at Fujitsu - one of the major suppliers - as voicing concern at the direction of the NHS programme and the lack of vision on how the health service can make best use of new technology.

"What we are trying to do is run an enormous programme with the techniques that we are absolutely familiar with for running small projects. And it isn't working. And it isn't going to work," he told his audience.

As with all things of this nature, there comes a time when the contractor and the government aren't going to agree and,as, usual, the government is going to blame the people who actually know what they are talking about so in May 2008, Fujitsu were fired. At this stage the project was already four years behind schedule.
So far the costs had escalated from £6.7 billion to £12 billion with worse news still to come when in January 2009, the Guardian reported that the system was on brink of failure, something which should cone as no surprise as some people had been on record as saying this for years. However, the issue refused to lay quietly around and die as hundreds of junior doctors were having their job applications screwed up!
 
So here we are in 2011, and the costs are now estimated at £20 billion and, according to the BBC, "things are getting worse"

The response? Well, the government announced there will be a review of the project. This is due to start this week.

Tory MP Richard Bacon, a member of the House of Commons' Public Accounts Committee and long-standing critic of the plans, said: "It is perfectly clear that throwing more money at the problem will not work. This turkey will never fly and it is time the Department of Health faced reality and channelled the remaining funds into something useful that will actually benefit patients. The largest civilian IT project in the world has failed."

But the Department of Health said while the original vision "was flawed", the project still had the potential to deliver value for money.

Yeah, right...

New Apple product launched

Apple today launched the perfect present for the lady in your life - a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iBoob will cost from £299 to £499, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

New Apple product launched

Apple today launched the perfect present for the lady in your life - a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iBoob will cost from £299 to £499, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Rent-a-pal

God help us all! Rent-a-pal is coming to the UK!

This is the latest run away phenomenon in the US - where else? You sign up on the website and whenever you need a friend, you just pay to hire one.

Apparently this is a natural extension to social networking and computer dating. Apparently, we are all leading such busy lives 24/7 that we simply don't have time to go out make friends on our own any more. It fulfils the expectations of the modern generation for instant gratification.

Well - here's question for you. Are you sitting at work reading this when you should be working? If the answer is 'yes', then it's probaby because your boss is such a twat that he hasn't given you anything to do today. And that's probably because his boss is also a twat and hasn't given him any work either.

So now that we have established that your 24/7 busy, busy lifestyle is all bullshit, why not pick up the landline and ask a mate or two if they fancy popping down the pub or coming round for a meal later?

After all, real friends are free and it makes a lot more sense than paying to hire one...

Rent-a-pal

God help us all! Rent-a-pal is coming to the UK!

This is the latest run away phenomenon in the US - where else? You sign up on the website and whenever you need a friend, you just pay to hire one.

Apparently this is a natural extension to social networking and computer dating. Apparently, we are all leading such busy lives 24/7 that we simply don't have time to go out make friends on our own any more. It fulfils the expectations of the modern generation for instant gratification.

Well - here's question for you. Are you sitting at work reading this when you should be working? If the answer is 'yes', then it's probaby because your boss is such a twat that he hasn't given you anything to do today. And that's probably because his boss is also a twat and hasn't given him any work either.

So now that we have established that your 24/7 busy, busy lifestyle is all bullshit, why not pick up the landline and ask a mate or two if they fancy popping down the pub or coming round for a meal later?

After all, real friends are free and it makes a lot more sense than paying to hire one...

Send Gordon a message...

You lucky people! You can now send your late lamented PM a message on his bright shiney new web site.

I tried to send him this one :

Give it a try. You just got to http://www.gordonbrown.org.uk/contact_me , put in your greeting, and click on the "Send to Gordon" button.  

You get this friendly response :

It was probably designed by Alistair Campbell...

Send Gordon a message...

You lucky people! You can now send your late lamented PM a message on his bright shiney new web site.

I tried to send him this one :

Give it a try. You just got to http://www.gordonbrown.org.uk/contact_me , put in your greeting, and click on the "Send to Gordon" button.  

You get this friendly response :

It was probably designed by Alistair Campbell...

Working for charity

Recently, I had a bit of a moan about charities and direct debits. I expected to get slagged for it. I was amazed to find pretty much universal agreement.

I was reminded of an experience I had a few years ago when I was offered an IT contract for a well known international charity who shall remain nameless for fear of being sued for telling the truth.

The charity in question, who for the sake of argument we shall refer to as "Oxfam", controlled a lot of projects to help the local communities out in Africa. This is a good thing and it also generated work for the locals in not only building the thing, but also in keeping track of what was being spent.

I am a great believer in helping people help themselves. It builds their self respect - so when this project was described to me, I was a bit taken aback.

The idea was to spend huge amounts of money on a laptop based computer system to enable the local project managers to keep their own records and then send them back to HQ via satellite links.

"What's wrong with that?" you ask. Well, I'll tell you :

(1) For every system that was being rolled out, we put three or four local clerks out of work thus depriving them of the opportunity to earn money and damaging the local economy.

(2) The money being spent on the system was depriving starving natives in Africa of food.

"That last one's a bit strong, isn't it?"

Well, no actually. The idiot interviewing me told me that for every £1 he knocked off my hourly rate, he could feed a starving family in Africa for a week. I asked him how many he could feed by scrapping this daft system.

"I think you're missing the point" was his reply.

Actually, I dont think I was...

Working for charity

Recently, I had a bit of a moan about charities and direct debits. I expected to get slagged for it. I was amazed to find pretty much universal agreement.

I was reminded of an experience I had a few years ago when I was offered an IT contract for a well known international charity who shall remain nameless for fear of being sued for telling the truth.

The charity in question, who for the sake of argument we shall refer to as "Oxfam", controlled a lot of projects to help the local communities out in Africa. This is a good thing and it also generated work for the locals in not only building the thing, but also in keeping track of what was being spent.

I am a great believer in helping people help themselves. It builds their self respect - so when this project was described to me, I was a bit taken aback.

The idea was to spend huge amounts of money on a laptop based computer system to enable the local project managers to keep their own records and then send them back to HQ via satellite links.

"What's wrong with that?" you ask. Well, I'll tell you :

(1) For every system that was being rolled out, we put three or four local clerks out of work thus depriving them of the opportunity to earn money and damaging the local economy.

(2) The money being spent on the system was depriving starving natives in Africa of food.

"That last one's a bit strong, isn't it?"

Well, no actually. The idiot interviewing me told me that for every £1 he knocked off my hourly rate, he could feed a starving family in Africa for a week. I asked him how many he could feed by scrapping this daft system.

"I think you're missing the point" was his reply.

Actually, I dont think I was...

Totally crap software

This is a possibly futile attempt to get off the subject of politics in the middle of a general election campaign and have a damn good rant about something that really winds me up - software that is totally crap and useless!

Now listen - in a former life I spent a quarter of a century making sure that IT projects performed properly. Some of this stuff I'm not even allowed to talk about in case the New Labour Thought Police come knocking on my door. Anyway, let's at least assume I might know what I am talking about....

This is how it works :

* Someone thinks they need a program written to do something, so they form a project team

* We sit down and make out a project plan. This goes something along the lines of -

• We know what day it is and we know when we want to start selling it, so the difference is the length of the project
• Item 2, write a specification. But hang on, how do we know how long the project is going to take if we haven't got a spec yet? Shouldn't we do this first?
• Third, decide how long a nominal, set team of programmers will take write the software to the spec we haven't written yet
• Now we know when the date when programme will be ready for testing, so the time taken is the difference between then and the launch date

* The program goes on sale and doesn't work properly.

This is because there was a bottleneck in the testing department not because the programme was delivered late and was written by a team of deaf blind monkeys somewhere in India, under pressure to get it done quickly with too few resources, in an unrealistic time scale to an ever changing spec! And, of course, on a fixed price contract...

In the exciting world of Government (bugger - I'm back to politics!), this is complicated by the fact they outsource the job to firms of consultants who hire in contractors because anyone with the skills and competence necessary to do the job most likely works for themselves.

Also, there is absolutely no incentive to get it right. Many firms I have worked for are not interested in doing it right because when the thing doesn't do what it's supposed to, they can charge their clients for fixing it. This is akin to paying fifty grand for a car which breaks down as you drive it out of the garage - and then being charged to get it going again. Unbelievable, but true!

And I'm not going to argue with this, because one of the main Government outsource companies for IT is owned by the same people who put a horse's head in your bed - so I'm sure as hell not going to name them here. We both know who you are...

So next time you are queuing round the block for a passport, trying to find your bags in terminal five or wondering where the hell your student loan has got to, remember - you heard it here first!

(And all this because the bloudy people who monitor the hits on this site kept telling me I had no readers - but you and I know better, don't we?)

Totally crap software

This is a possibly futile attempt to get off the subject of politics in the middle of a general election campaign and have a damn good rant about something that really winds me up - software that is totally crap and useless!

Now listen - in a former life I spent a quarter of a century making sure that IT projects performed properly. Some of this stuff I'm not even allowed to talk about in case the New Labour Thought Police come knocking on my door. Anyway, let's at least assume I might know what I am talking about....

This is how it works :

* Someone thinks they need a program written to do something, so they form a project team

* We sit down and make out a project plan. This goes something along the lines of -

• We know what day it is and we know when we want to start selling it, so the difference is the length of the project
• Item 2, write a specification. But hang on, how do we know how long the project is going to take if we haven't got a spec yet? Shouldn't we do this first?
• Third, decide how long a nominal, set team of programmers will take write the software to the spec we haven't written yet
• Now we know when the date when programme will be ready for testing, so the time taken is the difference between then and the launch date

* The program goes on sale and doesn't work properly.

This is because there was a bottleneck in the testing department not because the programme was delivered late and was written by a team of deaf blind monkeys somewhere in India, under pressure to get it done quickly with too few resources, in an unrealistic time scale to an ever changing spec! And, of course, on a fixed price contract...

In the exciting world of Government (bugger - I'm back to politics!), this is complicated by the fact they outsource the job to firms of consultants who hire in contractors because anyone with the skills and competence necessary to do the job most likely works for themselves.

Also, there is absolutely no incentive to get it right. Many firms I have worked for are not interested in doing it right because when the thing doesn't do what it's supposed to, they can charge their clients for fixing it. This is akin to paying fifty grand for a car which breaks down as you drive it out of the garage - and then being charged to get it going again. Unbelievable, but true!

And I'm not going to argue with this, because one of the main Government outsource companies for IT is owned by the same people who put a horse's head in your bed - so I'm sure as hell not going to name them here. We both know who you are...

So next time you are queuing round the block for a passport, trying to find your bags in terminal five or wondering where the hell your student loan has got to, remember - you heard it here first!

(And all this because the bloudy people who monitor the hits on this site kept telling me I had no readers - but you and I know better, don't we?)