Papal Visit souvenirs [3]

As promissed, here are some more items from our Dioclese.co.uk papal visit souvenir range. Today we concentrate on our range of special sex aids :

Prove to the bad boys that you're a good girl with these I Love the Pope knickers! When it gets right down to it, you know that sex before marriage is a big no no for us catholics and he's going to think twice before trying to rip these off of you!

Protect your virginity for just £22.99

And if the previous item just didn't do it for you, then better safe than sorry with these Benedict Condoms.

Available in five fruity flavours, there's a reminder from his Holiness on each packet that this really isn't what you should be doing. But then we all give in to a little temptation now and again...

Packet of 5 just £12.99

And if you're feeling tired and worn out after all that illicit sex you shouldn't be having, what could be better than a nice cold beer?

Brewed especially to help you celebrate the papal vist, why not relax with a pint or two of Pope's Special Ale.

Available for a limited period on draught at selected churches or order a six pack from us for only £11.99 - Hmmmm. that's nice...


Let's face it, there's nothing worse than the lingering smell of sweat and beer.

So if you don't want your parents or even your kids or partner to know what you've been up to, just fire up these delightful hand moulded incense scented Pope Benedict Candles...

Cover up all your sins for only £19.99

There's nothing better after a shag than a fag and the Flashing Pope Cigarette Dispenser is guaranteed to satisfy.

Just pull down on the staff and the cassock spreads and lifts to reveal a nicotine erection down below - if you get my drift...

And that's not all! Flip back the head to reveal a cigarette lighter.

Raise your spirits for just £39.99




(PS. Here's a little competition for you : Which of these past three days' items are real and which are not? See how many you can get right! Answers on Friday.)

Papal Visit souvenirs [3]

As promissed, here are some more items from our Dioclese.co.uk papal visit souvenir range. Today we concentrate on our range of special sex aids :

Prove to the bad boys that you're a good girl with these I Love the Pope knickers! When it gets right down to it, you know that sex before marriage is a big no no for us catholics and he's going to think twice before trying to rip these off of you!

Protect your virginity for just £22.99

And if the previous item just didn't do it for you, then better safe than sorry with these Benedict Condoms.

Available in five fruity flavours, there's a reminder from his Holiness on each packet that this really isn't what you should be doing. But then we all give in to a little temptation now and again...

Packet of 5 just £12.99

And if you're feeling tired and worn out after all that illicit sex you shouldn't be having, what could be better than a nice cold beer?

Brewed especially to help you celebrate the papal vist, why not relax with a pint or two of Pope's Special Ale.

Available for a limited period on draught at selected churches or order a six pack from us for only £11.99 - Hmmmm. that's nice...


Let's face it, there's nothing worse than the lingering smell of sweat and beer.

So if you don't want your parents or even your kids or partner to know what you've been up to, just fire up these delightful hand moulded incense scented Pope Benedict Candles...

Cover up all your sins for only £19.99

There's nothing better after a shag than a fag and the Flashing Pope Cigarette Dispenser is guaranteed to satisfy.

Just pull down on the staff and the cassock spreads and lifts to reveal a nicotine erection down below - if you get my drift...

And that's not all! Flip back the head to reveal a cigarette lighter.

Raise your spirits for just £39.99




(PS. Here's a little competition for you : Which of these past three days' items are real and which are not? See how many you can get right! Answers on Friday.)

beauty - iphone 320 x 480

THE STARS SHINE AT EMMY AWARDS BASH

Kyra Sedgwick

Glenn Close

Glenn Close and Kyra Sedgwick were snapped at the 62nd Annual Primetime Emmy Awards in Los Angeles, California last night. This was one star studded event.

Click Here For All The Emmy Awards Photos...

Photos By: RD / Kirkland / Retna Digital.

THE STARS SHINE AT EMMY AWARDS BASH

Kyra Sedgwick

Glenn Close

Glenn Close and Kyra Sedgwick were snapped at the 62nd Annual Primetime Emmy Awards in Los Angeles, California last night. This was one star studded event.

Click Here For All The Emmy Awards Photos...

Photos By: RD / Kirkland / Retna Digital.

Papal Visit souvenirs [2]

Following on the recent launch of our Dioclese.co.uk special papal souvenirs, here's some more items from our Pope Benedict 'Kiss the Ring Tour' range :

Feeling unclean? Then try our Benedict brand Pope on a Roap soap!

Guaranteed to reach the parts that other soaps cannot reach, this papal soap will cleanse you of all your sins and leave you feeling totally pure.

Please note this product is not suitable for use on the genital areas of young children

Yours for the trifling sum of £14.99

Get the most out of Pope Benedict's UK tour with our new publication 'Papal Visits for Dummies'.

This updated book gives you the invaluable insights you need. Learn how to get the best seats at personal appearences; how to ensure that your name is included in the papal blessing; how to obtain direct absolution for all your sins.

These and many, many more for only £49.99

Get the power of the Pope in your pocket with your very own Pope Benedict talking key ring.

Made from high quality genuine polyurethane, you can always rely on this Pope to absolve you from the rigours of everyday sinning. Just give him a little squeeze and hear the Pope announce 'In Nomine Patre, Te Absolvo!

A bargain at £15.99 - batteries not required (runs on faith)

Here a little novelty item sure to please!
You've seen those pens where you turn the it upside down and the girl's clothes fall off? Well, here's a chance to own your very own 'Naked Pope Pen'. Just turn it upside down, and watch that cassock fall away.

Breaks the ice at any party for only £9.99

Still trying for that perfect cocktail? Well, the answer is in the timing!

Just throw your intoxicating mixture into our '3 Hail Marys Cocktail Shaker' and shake away. The speaker in the bottom recites 3 Hail Marys at the perfect pace to ensure your cocktail pours out just the right moment.

A perfect drink and absolution all at the same time for just £39.99

Just watch this space for more items from our exciting range coming soon...

Papal Visit souvenirs [2]

Following on the recent launch of our Dioclese.co.uk special papal souvenirs, here's some more items from our Pope Benedict 'Kiss the Ring Tour' range :

Feeling unclean? Then try our Benedict brand Pope on a Roap soap!

Guaranteed to reach the parts that other soaps cannot reach, this papal soap will cleanse you of all your sins and leave you feeling totally pure.

Please note this product is not suitable for use on the genital areas of young children

Yours for the trifling sum of £14.99

Get the most out of Pope Benedict's UK tour with our new publication 'Papal Visits for Dummies'.

This updated book gives you the invaluable insights you need. Learn how to get the best seats at personal appearences; how to ensure that your name is included in the papal blessing; how to obtain direct absolution for all your sins.

These and many, many more for only £49.99

Get the power of the Pope in your pocket with your very own Pope Benedict talking key ring.

Made from high quality genuine polyurethane, you can always rely on this Pope to absolve you from the rigours of everyday sinning. Just give him a little squeeze and hear the Pope announce 'In Nomine Patre, Te Absolvo!

A bargain at £15.99 - batteries not required (runs on faith)

Here a little novelty item sure to please!
You've seen those pens where you turn the it upside down and the girl's clothes fall off? Well, here's a chance to own your very own 'Naked Pope Pen'. Just turn it upside down, and watch that cassock fall away.

Breaks the ice at any party for only £9.99

Still trying for that perfect cocktail? Well, the answer is in the timing!

Just throw your intoxicating mixture into our '3 Hail Marys Cocktail Shaker' and shake away. The speaker in the bottom recites 3 Hail Marys at the perfect pace to ensure your cocktail pours out just the right moment.

A perfect drink and absolution all at the same time for just £39.99

Just watch this space for more items from our exciting range coming soon...

THE SCIENCE OF SEXXXY

I want you to try an experiment. pick up any women's magazine and look at all of the women inside. flip through the pages while you are standing in line at all the models, especially those in the ads. you will quickly notice something about these women : Most of them are young, beautiful, tall, and very skinny. the problem? THE SHAPE IS NOT NORMAL.

THE THREE FACTORS THAT DETERMINE YOUR BODY TYPE
1.  SILHOUETTE
2.  MEASUREMENTS
3.  WEIGHT


THE FOUNDATION OF THIS 'scince of sexy' BOILS DOWN TO TWO SIMPLE THINGS.
1.  dress to balance your body
2.  learn to conceal your flaws and reveal your assets.

THE 4 STEPS TO SEXY

STEP 1 - MEASURE YOURSELF
- to dress your body right, you have to know your body. don't just guess. (believe me, mirrors can be deceiving!) so grab a measuring tape and a friend to help you, because it's very dificult to measure some parts of yourself and get it right. the more accurate you are now, the better you'll look later.

STEP 2 - MATCH YOUR SHAPE
- now that you've measured yourself (shoulders, bust, waist, and hips), use those numbers to help determine your silhoutte shape.

- 4 types of BODY SHAPE
     a) INVERTED TRIANGLE - your shoulders or bust are larger than your hips.
     b) RECTANGLE - your shoulders, bust, and hips are around the same size, with no define waistline.
     c) TRIANGLE - your hips are wider than your shoulders
     d) HOURGLASS - your shoulders and hips are around the same size, with a very defined waistline.

STEP 3 - FIND YOUR COLOUR

STEP 4 - GO TO YOUR FITTING ROOM
Your colour + Your shape = YOUR SECTION!

Papal Visit souvenirs

To mark the visit of his Holiness Pope Benedict XVI to our shores in September, Dioclese.co.uk has launched a range of tasteful commerative merchandise.

Here's just a few items from our carefully chosen range :

Our limited edition Pope Money Box. Made from 100% authentic organic plastic, this very special box comes complete with two slots for your money so you can save one for yourself and another to give to God on Sunday!

Our price just £29.95

Made especially for us by our friends at Fanasonic, the Benedict-a-phone takes your messages while you are out and has the added benefit of giving all your callers a papal blessing personal recorded by the Pontif himself.

All this for a giveaway price of only £249.99!

Keep your sacred memories safe with this Pope Benedict USB memory stick. 

Guaranteed to impress all your geeky mates, this state of the art devices stores an almost limitless number of prayers and blessings for a truly miraculous price of only £1.99

Worried about your soufflés going flat? Burnt the Sunday dinner? No rise in your yorkshire puddings? Never worry about these things again thanks to our Pope Benedict chef's apron.

Made from highest quality PVC and decorated with a tasteful portrait of his Holiness, your cooking worries will be a thing of the past. With the representative of God on Earth looking on, your cooking will become truly blessed!

Great meals guaranteed for only £75.99!

Looking to impress your guests at that all important dinner party? Here's your chance with our special reserve 'Pope's Winery' wine!

And here's the clever bit : You don't have to make a choice between white and red, because this very special vintage comes as clear water with detailed instructions for turning it into the wine of your choice as you pour.

Miraculous, or what!? And even more when you find it's only £499.99 a bottle.

(Each bottle comes with a certificate of authenticity signed by Pope Benedict himself)

Papal Visit souvenirs

To mark the visit of his Holiness Pope Benedict XVI to our shores in September, Dioclese.co.uk has launched a range of tasteful commerative merchandise.

Here's just a few items from our carefully chosen range :

Our limited edition Pope Money Box. Made from 100% authentic organic plastic, this very special box comes complete with two slots for your money so you can save one for yourself and another to give to God on Sunday!

Our price just £29.95

Made especially for us by our friends at Fanasonic, the Benedict-a-phone takes your messages while you are out and has the added benefit of giving all your callers a papal blessing personal recorded by the Pontif himself.

All this for a giveaway price of only £249.99!

Keep your sacred memories safe with this Pope Benedict USB memory stick. 

Guaranteed to impress all your geeky mates, this state of the art devices stores an almost limitless number of prayers and blessings for a truly miraculous price of only £1.99

Worried about your soufflés going flat? Burnt the Sunday dinner? No rise in your yorkshire puddings? Never worry about these things again thanks to our Pope Benedict chef's apron.

Made from highest quality PVC and decorated with a tasteful portrait of his Holiness, your cooking worries will be a thing of the past. With the representative of God on Earth looking on, your cooking will become truly blessed!

Great meals guaranteed for only £75.99!

Looking to impress your guests at that all important dinner party? Here's your chance with our special reserve 'Pope's Winery' wine!

And here's the clever bit : You don't have to make a choice between white and red, because this very special vintage comes as clear water with detailed instructions for turning it into the wine of your choice as you pour.

Miraculous, or what!? And even more when you find it's only £499.99 a bottle.

(Each bottle comes with a certificate of authenticity signed by Pope Benedict himself)

zelda - 1600 x 1000

car - 1280 x 1024

Blair - The ultimate hypocrisy

I shamelessly nicked this diagram from a 2009 article in the guardian which you can read by clicking this link

In the ultimate irony, as the fat hypocrit, Lord Prescott, warns that the Labour Party is going bust, the same cannot be said of it's ex leader Blair. Believe it or not, the bugger is actually opening his own BANK.

The Financial Services Authority (FSA) has last week registered Blair's new Mayfair-based investment bank, Firerush, which could act as dealmaker in investments for the super-rich. It will contribute to his considerable fortune, which is already reported to be in excess of £20 million. Coincidentally, that's the same amount Prescott says that Labour owes. Spooky, or what?

20 bloody million... and after all the scheming hypocritical sod said about bankers and rich people avoiding tax through complex tax avoidance schemes. Pass the bloody bottle... and a large glass!

Now I'm not for a minute suggesting that Blair is doing anything illegal, but my God his moral compass is pointing in a very odd direction indeed.

Still, now he's a Catholic, I expect he'll be meeting the Pope next month - and he'll give him absolution...

Blair - The ultimate hypocrisy

I shamelessly nicked this diagram from a 2009 article in the guardian which you can read by clicking this link

In the ultimate irony, as the fat hypocrit, Lord Prescott, warns that the Labour Party is going bust, the same cannot be said of it's ex leader Blair. Believe it or not, the bugger is actually opening his own BANK.

The Financial Services Authority (FSA) has last week registered Blair's new Mayfair-based investment bank, Firerush, which could act as dealmaker in investments for the super-rich. It will contribute to his considerable fortune, which is already reported to be in excess of £20 million. Coincidentally, that's the same amount Prescott says that Labour owes. Spooky, or what?

20 bloody million... and after all the scheming hypocritical sod said about bankers and rich people avoiding tax through complex tax avoidance schemes. Pass the bloody bottle... and a large glass!

Now I'm not for a minute suggesting that Blair is doing anything illegal, but my God his moral compass is pointing in a very odd direction indeed.

Still, now he's a Catholic, I expect he'll be meeting the Pope next month - and he'll give him absolution...

The Living Wage

In a pathetic and feeble attempt to make headway in the Labour leadership race, nothing can be more calous, calculated and desperate than the recent attempt to jump on the bandwagon by Labour's own talking horse "Mr Ed" Miliband.

Blatently trying to drum up anti-Tory left-wing  votes, Mr Ed has decided to send out a letter pledging his support for the 'Living Wage' campaign.

So, when you are living on the breadline, here's just a few suggestions as to how you can make your wage packet into something that enables you to make ends meet :

• Don't go down the pub every night
• Give up smoking
• Make eating in the new eating out and learn to cook!
• Dump your mobile phone contract and get a PAYG phone for incoming calls
• Cancel your Sky telly subscription
• Stop buying iTunes for your iPod
• Buy non-designer label trainers
• Cut up all your credit cards
• Cancel that foreign holiday
• You don't have to have the latest gadget
• Don't run a car
• Get some skills training and a better job

Drinking, smoking, telly, mobiles, iPods, designer trainers, holidays in the sun and motors are NOT - despite what Mr Ed would have you believe - part of your inalienable human rights. What should come top of your priority list is putting food on the table, clothes on your back and keeping a roof over your head.

And if you carry on as you are doing, then some nice eastern european person will come and take your job off you because they seem to manage quite nicely on less than you get paid. Sadly, people in this country have no idea what real poverty actually is.

You already have a 'living wage' but many of you are just too self centred and greedy to manage it properly...

The Living Wage

In a pathetic and feeble attempt to make headway in the Labour leadership race, nothing can be more calous, calculated and desperate than the recent attempt to jump on the bandwagon by Labour's own talking horse "Mr Ed" Miliband.

Blatently trying to drum up anti-Tory left-wing  votes, Mr Ed has decided to send out a letter pledging his support for the 'Living Wage' campaign.

So, when you are living on the breadline, here's just a few suggestions as to how you can make your wage packet into something that enables you to make ends meet :

• Don't go down the pub every night
• Give up smoking
• Make eating in the new eating out and learn to cook!
• Dump your mobile phone contract and get a PAYG phone for incoming calls
• Cancel your Sky telly subscription
• Stop buying iTunes for your iPod
• Buy non-designer label trainers
• Cut up all your credit cards
• Cancel that foreign holiday
• You don't have to have the latest gadget
• Don't run a car
• Get some skills training and a better job

Drinking, smoking, telly, mobiles, iPods, designer trainers, holidays in the sun and motors are NOT - despite what Mr Ed would have you believe - part of your inalienable human rights. What should come top of your priority list is putting food on the table, clothes on your back and keeping a roof over your head.

And if you carry on as you are doing, then some nice eastern european person will come and take your job off you because they seem to manage quite nicely on less than you get paid. Sadly, people in this country have no idea what real poverty actually is.

You already have a 'living wage' but many of you are just too self centred and greedy to manage it properly...

2012 - iphone 320 x 480

Piss boiler of the week

I am forced to borrow a phrase from my good friend the Grumpy Old Twat because this one nearly made me burst a blood vessel...

Basildon council has been given leave by the Courts to evict 'travellers' from an illegal site - in fact , the largest illegal traveller site in Europe - because of flagrant contravention of planning laws.

Actually, let's rephrase that. They didn't contravene planning laws, they just pretended they didn't exist and carried on anyway. Sort of stuck two fingers up to the law, really.

Now these delightful people who consider themselves above the law are to be evicted. So what do they do? Believe it or not, the cheeky fuckers write to the United Nations who, even more unbelievably, take them seriously and write to the British government accusing them of 'ethnic cleansing'!

Let's also point out at this stage that Basildon Council has offered them council housing - bet the ratepayers really love that one! However, this infringes their inalienable human rights because it does not offer them a  'culturally acceptable' alternative. Because they live in caravans not houses!

Just yesterday, they had a representative from the Equalities and Human Rights Commission come down to advise them of their 'rights'. Needless to say, she a was a foreigner.

And, apparently, they have also asked the Pope to intervene as they are all staunch catholics and are being discriminated against on religious grounds!

Christ all bloody mighty! Find me a darkened room!

You broke the planning laws. You are supposed to be travellers, so why don't you fuck off and go travelling? Preferably in another country as you feel this one treats you so badly...

Piss boiler of the week

I am forced to borrow a phrase from my good friend the Grumpy Old Twat because this one nearly made me burst a blood vessel...

Basildon council has been given leave by the Courts to evict 'travellers' from an illegal site - in fact , the largest illegal traveller site in Europe - because of flagrant contravention of planning laws.

Actually, let's rephrase that. They didn't contravene planning laws, they just pretended they didn't exist and carried on anyway. Sort of stuck two fingers up to the law, really.

Now these delightful people who consider themselves above the law are to be evicted. So what do they do? Believe it or not, the cheeky fuckers write to the United Nations who, even more unbelievably, take them seriously and write to the British government accusing them of 'ethnic cleansing'!

Let's also point out at this stage that Basildon Council has offered them council housing - bet the ratepayers really love that one! However, this infringes their inalienable human rights because it does not offer them a  'culturally acceptable' alternative. Because they live in caravans not houses!

Just yesterday, they had a representative from the Equalities and Human Rights Commission come down to advise them of their 'rights'. Needless to say, she a was a foreigner.

And, apparently, they have also asked the Pope to intervene as they are all staunch catholics and are being discriminated against on religious grounds!

Christ all bloody mighty! Find me a darkened room!

You broke the planning laws. You are supposed to be travellers, so why don't you fuck off and go travelling? Preferably in another country as you feel this one treats you so badly...

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The boomerang generation

Won't it be just great to have the kids back home again?

OK. You don't really need to answer that. After all, one of them might be listening in! And you wouldn't want them to feel unwanted now, would you? Never mind how you feel...

Pretty soon, lots of unemployed graduates will be leaving university and moving back into their old rooms. Back to the bosom of the family where they are loved and wanted. Well, loved anyway because what they have forgotten is that while they were away bettering themselves with higher education, Mum and Dad were enjoying some much earned freedom for the first time in years.

And now that's all gone. The parents can no longer run around the house in their underwear in case someone appears from their offsprings bedroom and demands breakfast...

But what really pisses me off is the attitudes of this boomerang generation. Attitudes like 'I don't need to clean my room because Mum will do it.' Like 'Mum will do my washing and ironing, Dad will pay the phone bill, my parents will put food on my plate' Attitudes like 'This is my home and I have a god given right to live here.'

Lots of the younger generation that I know seem to think that it is an unalienable human right that they can afford a house in their home town. We never had that expectation. We saved for years with our prospective spouses to scrimp together a deposit so we could get a mortgage on a crummy little one bed flat and even then we had to move further from town to be able to afford it. I was raised in south London, but I moved out to afford my first home. My wife was raised in Surrey, but her first home was in Reading.

A reality check is needed. You need to stand on your own two feet and assert your independence. You need a job you can do - you can get the one you want later, if ever. You can't afford a house on one income. It's not fair to live off your parents and contribute little or nothing.

Our generation lived with these realities. You selfish little buggers need to do the same...

The boomerang generation

Won't it be just great to have the kids back home again?

OK. You don't really need to answer that. After all, one of them might be listening in! And you wouldn't want them to feel unwanted now, would you? Never mind how you feel...

Pretty soon, lots of unemployed graduates will be leaving university and moving back into their old rooms. Back to the bosom of the family where they are loved and wanted. Well, loved anyway because what they have forgotten is that while they were away bettering themselves with higher education, Mum and Dad were enjoying some much earned freedom for the first time in years.

And now that's all gone. The parents can no longer run around the house in their underwear in case someone appears from their offsprings bedroom and demands breakfast...

But what really pisses me off is the attitudes of this boomerang generation. Attitudes like 'I don't need to clean my room because Mum will do it.' Like 'Mum will do my washing and ironing, Dad will pay the phone bill, my parents will put food on my plate' Attitudes like 'This is my home and I have a god given right to live here.'

Lots of the younger generation that I know seem to think that it is an unalienable human right that they can afford a house in their home town. We never had that expectation. We saved for years with our prospective spouses to scrimp together a deposit so we could get a mortgage on a crummy little one bed flat and even then we had to move further from town to be able to afford it. I was raised in south London, but I moved out to afford my first home. My wife was raised in Surrey, but her first home was in Reading.

A reality check is needed. You need to stand on your own two feet and assert your independence. You need a job you can do - you can get the one you want later, if ever. You can't afford a house on one income. It's not fair to live off your parents and contribute little or nothing.

Our generation lived with these realities. You selfish little buggers need to do the same...